


The Battles Within

by snatalie350Haikyuu4ever



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Mental Health Issues, New Year's Eve, Personal Growth, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:48:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29172150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snatalie350Haikyuu4ever/pseuds/snatalie350Haikyuu4ever
Summary: Natsumi Sakura goes through an intense period of self-discovery when she starts college after a summer of lost friendships and social-isolation. Sakura struggles to let people in, but a certain owl-boy refuses to be pushed away. As their relationship grows, Sakura must face past hurts and mentalities that threaten to get in the way.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Original Female Character(s), Hinata Shouyou/Yachi Hitoka
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Friends! This is my first fan-fiction and I am really excited to share it. The main character's background and personality is heavily based on myself and my experiences/perspectives. Writing this has and continues to be a tool in my own personal growth as I reflect on my past for the sake of this story. I love feedback and look forward to anything you would like to share! Hope you enjoy!

_“As the oldest, you set the example for your siblings”_

_“Wow, you are so mature for your age”_

_“You’re so responsible and such a great role model”_

_“Look at how self-reliant you are, amazing”_

_“You are such a good listener and a great friend”_

_“You are so smart, look at all the scholarships you’ve earned”_

What others see when they look at me is only a part of who I am. That’s probably true for everyone, and I’m definitely not the first person to feel they need to live up to certain expectations. So, I know I am nothing special, just someone struggling to find balance in this crazy thing we call life. But I don’t let others see when I need help. I don’t let them see the battle going on in my head.

They will never know the two versions of myself that live inside my head: the positive, optimistic, wise and insightful, and the depressed, hopeless, pessimistic and impulsive. I carefully hide the intrusive thoughts that can leave me feeling paralyzed. I built walls to hide the parts of myself that scared even me. Until recently, I had done well to keep these things in check. Pushing myself to continue through each day, even if I wasn’t totally there.

But even the strongest fortress will fall under the right pressure, not that I was really ever that strong, and perhaps that was part of the problem. I can see the cracks starting to form, and it’s only a matter of time until those walls break. But I don’t know what that will look like or who might get caught in the rubble, and so, I will do my best to make sure I hurt as few people as possible, no matter how much more I will suffer because of it.


	2. Chapter 2

_I stand on the edge of a cliff._

_I could turn and start to make my way back, addressing the emotions and turmoil I have desperately tried to avoid._

_Or I could step forward, letting darkness and numbness consume me, freezing away the hurt so I can continue without the pain._

_I must make a choice,_

_I can’t keep feeling everything without any forward movement,_

_I can’t face these things on my own,_

_I can’t move back easily if I choose to step forward._

_I must make a choice._

_I take a deep breath._

_I pick up my foot._

“Sakura!” 

I jump and blink my eyes. 

“Wow, you were really spaced out there, I said your name like five times.” Yachi says.

She sits on the concrete step next to me, a concerned look on her face. We were best friends in primary school but when my family moved, we lost touch for a while. My family moved back when I was a second year and by the time I was a third year, me and Yatchi had picked up where we left off. Ever since we started University, she’s been attached to me at the hip.

“Hey, are you ok? You look completely out of... hey, earth to Sakura.”

She waves a hand in front of my face and I blink again, taking in the bright sun. Despite the warmth from the sun, a cool autumn breeze blows through the campus, knocking a few more colorful leaves from the trees surrounding the student commons stretched out before us. We are sitting in front of the university’s massive library, enjoying the coffees we bought from one of the near-by vendors. I shake my head in an effort to clear the mental fog that is slow to dissipate.

“Yeah, sorry I haven’t been getting much sleep... and I've been a bit stressed lately.” I explain as I take a sip from the coffee in my hand.

She looks at me sideways and I know she doesn’t believe me. While both excuses are true, especially the lack of sleep, we both know it has little to do with my pensive mood.. I feel her arms wrap around me, her head coming to rest on my shoulder.

“You know you are more than enough, right?”

I sigh, then she lifts her head and turns mine to look at her. 

It’s a surprisingly deep thing for her to say...

“I’m serious, and besides that guy didn’t have much of a personality.”

Ah, there it is. I love Yachi, and I am so lucky I ran into her again here, but she can be so clueless sometimes. She thinks I’m upset because a guy I had mentioned was cute, in a very casual conversation, wasn’t into me. The worst part was the fact that she had been the one to go up to him and tell him as much, thinking she was doing me a favor. Embarrassment is the only thing I feel about the situation. 

I just nod because there’s no way to explain what’s really going on. I’ve tried before and she is too happy-go-lucky to have a clue what it feels like.

“Hey guys!”

We both look in the direction of the familiar voice to see Hinata bounding across the lawn towards us. 

“Hey” we say in unison.

When he reaches the steps, he leans over and gives Yachi a quick peck on the cheek to which she giggles and gives his shoulder a slight shove. They met in highschool and were close friends when I rejoined them. By the middle of our third year they started dating and they’ve been inseparable ever since, sometimes annoyingly so.

“What are you guys up to?” Hinata asks with a grin on his face.

“Oh, you know, Sakura is broken-hearted over the guy from math class.” 

Hinata gives me a look and I roll my eyes. They’re not being mean, it’s all in fun and games, I just don’t have the energy to keep up right now. Standing up with a huff, I start to walk away.

“Natsumi, don’t be like that!” Yachi calls.

“I’m not being like anything, I have class” I holler behind me. That’s only partially true, I do have a class, though it doesn’t start for another 15 minutes, but I can’t handle their combined positive energy. 

My tolerance for people and positivity wasn’t always this low. One of the reasons me and Yachi clicked so well in primary school was because we were both positively optimistic. But middle school is unkind, and I was not left out of the misery. In my last year, I lost some of the closest friends I had made since moving. I was bullied by not but two boys, who encouraged the rest of the class to join in on the fun. The friends I kept were very stereotypical, rebelling against their parents, doing drugs, clinging to each other as if they were the only humans who could possibly understand each other. Though that wasn’t my style and I quickly became the ‘mom’ of the group. They all relied on me to be the voice of reason, one they only listened to when they wanted, and I shouldered a sense of responsibility for their wellbeing.

I soon noticed a decline in my mood and the positivity I had radiated up until this point. I also started gaining weight, but who wouldn’t when they are eating their feelings and stress? It got so bad I brought my concern to my parents, something I never did. 

_“Mom, Dad, I think I might have depression”_

Their response was immediate. 

_“No, you don’t.”_

_Oh._

_“You just feel like that because you're surrounded by dramatic friends, kids your age want to feel connected to each other, so you think you feel depressed, but you are likely just associating your feelings with things you’ve heard your friends say.”_

_“Oh, ok”_

And that was the end of the conversation. I wasn’t depressed, I was being dramatic. I was the problem, I could control it, I just wasn’t trying hard enough. 

_I shouldn’t need help,_

_I shouldn’t have to rely on others._

_My life has been nothing but good,_

_My problems are minimal, manageable, compared to others._

**_Don’t burden others,_ **

**_Don’t be an attention whore..._ **

I eventually worked my way out of that sad feeling, getting more reliable friends and focusing my energy on helping those around me. It was wonderful, I felt like I knew who I was and what I was doing. I came to terms with the shitty things that had happened to me in middle school and looked at the ways those experiences had helped shape who I was. Well, until two years ag-

“Oof”

Suddenly I’m falling backwards, pulled from my reminiscing back to reality in time to brace for impact. But I never hit the ground. I blink rapidly and find myself staring into the face of a young man with spiky black and white hair.

“Hey hey hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there”

He pulls me upright and releases the wrist he caught me by. I pull back slightly and shake my head.

“No, that was my bad, I’m so sorry.”

I bow slightly and move to continue when I realize I’m nowhere near where my next class is. He must pick up on my confusion, because he places a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, are you ok?” 

“Oh, yeah, I think I just lost myself in thought because I’m nowhere near where my next class is,”

I look around, trying to gage where I am, and give a small laugh.

“Actually, I am on the complete wrong side of campus, my class is back that way.”

I gesture behind myself. 

_How on earth did I walk so far past where I was going?_

“Well, it seems we are heading the same direction,” he says with a bright smile.

I give a small smile in return and we both start walking.

“I’m Kōtarō Bokuto by the way.”

“Natsumi Sakura, and sorry again for running into you.”

“Don’t worry about it, I actually kind of glad you did, or you probably would have been late for Psychology” he says with a chuckle.

I stiffen, falling a few paces behind while my eyes widen in shock.

“H-how do you...”

Bokuto turns just as quickly with a look of panic on his face.

“No, no, no, I’m not a creep I swear! Sorry, I recognized you from class, you tend to hide in the back corner, up against the wall so you’ve probably never noticed me before” he finishes with another smile that somehow melts the tension in my shoulders as we continue on towards our class.

“Even having the same class, you don’t think it's creepy that you know exactly where I sit? It’s a pretty big lecture hall.”

He replies with a cheeky grin,

“Well, it was pretty hard not to notice you.”

_What?_

My cheeks darken three shades as a blush takes over my face. With his bright smile and golden eyes burning into me, I feel like I’m being looked at under a microscope, leaving me hot and flustered. I look away with a shy smile. 

“Ha, well sorry I didn’t recognize you; I do tend to hide, but that’s only because I struggle to pay attention and it’s easier to go unnoticed back there, though clearly I need to rethink that strategy.” We both chuckle and fall into a comfortable silence. After a few moments, Bokuto breaks the silence, 

“So, what were you thinking about?”

“Huh, what?”

“Well, you walked halfway across campus without realizing.”

I look down at my feet and let out the smallest sigh. I just met him and even though he seems very sweet, I’m not about to drop my life’s story and try to explain all of the dark thoughts that pull for my attention. He notices the shift in demeanor right away and is quick to follow up.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry, or make you uncomfortable. I just . . . never mind, sorry.”

I just continue watching my feet as we walk the rest of the way in silence. Thankfully we arrive to class not even a minute later and I go to take my usual seat in the back corner. A second later I feel someone take a seat next to me and I turn to see Bokuto. He smiles at me with the same bright smile from before. I raise an eyebrow because what the heck, I was awkward and weird and he’s acting as if none of that happened.

“Mind if I sit here?”

I quietly shake my head and go about pulling my materials for class out of my bag. 

Surprisingly enough, I don’t lose myself in my darker thoughts today. No, my brain is too busy emphasizing Bokuto’s presence next to me, noting the warmth I can feel radiating off of the shoulder that brushes against mine every once in a while, or the sound of his breathing, or his scent. 

_Vanilla? I love vanilla..._

_Gosh, have I never sat next to someone before?_

_Why is this taking all of my attention?_

_What is wro-_

A gentle elbow brings my attention back to class just in time to catch the end of what the professor is saying.

“-and so, you will find a partner and each group will present a drug and its effects on the brain for the mid term project. While midterms are not until the last week in October, I recommend you get an early start. That is all, have a good rest of your day.”

Immediately Bokuto turns to me.

“Hey hey hey, would you want to be my partner for the final project?”

I chuckle a bit at the opening.

“Do you say that every time you start a conversation?”

He crinkles his eyebrows.

“Say what?”

Now I let out a full-on laugh. 

“You say hey three times before you say anything else” I point out.

“Ah, well yeah, I’ve had people mention it before, it’s pretty second nature so I don’t really think about it” he says, rubbing the back of his neck as if he were embarrassed.

It’s actually really cute, both the phrase and his embarrassment.

“It’s not a bad thing, I actually find it kind of amusing and cute.”

I freeze as soon as the words leave my mouth. I did NOT mean to say that out loud and now my entire face is burning. Bokuto looks pleasantly surprised and I swear I could die. I quickly gather my things and make a beeline to the courtyard right outside the building. 

_What the heck._

I have never been that straightforward and at the same time I know I’m making a way bigger deal out of this than I need to. I literally just met him today and him asking to be my partner for a school project isn’t something to get flustered about.

_Calm down Natsumi, seriously._

**_‘Why would he be interested anyway’_ **

I shake my head to clear it.

_Nope, not today, I am not doing this today, I have other things I need to..._

“Sakura, wait up!”

I turn to see Bokuto running towards me.

“You never answered my question,” he says, coming to a stop in front of me.

“Ha, oh yeah, I mean yes we can be partners.”

He gives the biggest, goofiest grin I have ever seen. 

“Great, then I’ll need your phone number so we can set up a time to get together to work on the project.”

Ah, that wasn’t smooth at all, and I can’t help but crack a smile despite the nasty voice in my head trying to convince me not to do this. I give him my number and he promises he will be in touch before our next class. As I make my way back to my dorm, I relish the feeling of happiness bubbling up inside. Someone outside of my two friends noticed me and asked me to work with them on a class project. Forget the butterflies I felt when I first met him, here is the potential for a new friend, something I haven’t had since reuniting with Yachi and meeting Hinata.


	3. Chapter 3

_What happens when you take away a flower’s roots?_

_A picked flower has lost its life support_

_Even if plant food is added to the water, it is not enough to feed the plant._

_The plant will eventually stop pulling up the water entirely._

_Then the stem will wilt, and the flower will die._

It’s been about two months since I first met Bokuto. We got together at least three times a week for two weeks to work on our mid term project, wanting to get it done as quickly as possible. Once the project was finished, we eventually just kept meeting up. Though, at the beginning I was hesitant, constantly fighting the urge to put up my walls and protect myself from being vulnerable. The first time we met up outside the need to work on our project had been a complete accident. We had both gotten so used to the routine we showed up to our usual spot in the library on campus at the same time. We had quite a laugh and when I was about to leave, Bokuto suggested we go grab coffee. I refused at first, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

**_‘Be careful, if you get too close you will get burned again, keep him at a distance.’_ **

After agreeing to coffee the first time, I was able to dodge him for a while, slipping out of class early to ‘use’ the bathroom, or coming up with some other excuse as to why I couldn’t go with him. Then one day, as I was leaving the bathroom, in yet another attempt to evade Bokuto, I was caught off guard at the sight of him leaning against the wall. He perked up when he saw me approaching him. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, slightly annoyed my ruse hadn’t worked.

He smiles mischievously at me as straitens.

“Waiting for you, I figured since you didn’t have anything planned after this you would be able to join me for coffee.”

_How does he know I don’t have plans?_

I think back, trying to remember if I told him anything when I realized he tricked me into telling him. Throughout class today he had been extra talkative, asking lots of questions. He must have gotten me to reveal my plans, or lack thereof, in some subtle way. I’m honestly quite impressed and let out a small laugh paired with a smile.

“You’re clever. I’m impressed by the amount of effort as well, I feel like it's only fair that I say yes.” I finish with a grin. 

He pumps his fist victoriously.

“Well if this is the results, I would say it’s definitely worth it.” 

Since then, coffee at the local café has been a regular occurrence. We will often study together if we have a test coming up, but most of the time we just talk. I’ve never found it particularly hard to keep my end of a conversation going but with Bokuto, there’s a mutual exchange that makes the whole thing feel effortless. Our conservations flow freely, and we are often there for hours, lost in some story or debate. Even when there was a lull in the conversation, it has never felt awkward or uncomfortable.I was even surprised to learn just how long Bokuto can go without talking.

Yachi got very excited when she found out about Bokuto. No matter how many times I told her there was nothing more, that we were just friends, newly friends at that, she insisted on talking about all the possibilities. When Hinata would join the conversations I stood no chance, I was out maned, and all I could do was sit and smile whenever they chose to bring it up, which was often. Even with those two constantly talking me up, I did surprisingly well to keep my mind from running with those ideas. Though, with the stress of school added to the pile, I started losing more sleep than normal. Recently I’ve been averaging five hours on a good night, and I have had at least four nights where I haven’t slept at all.

The effects of this are particularly strong on this late-November evening. Huddled at a corner table next to the heater inside the café we have become regulars at, I listen with a content smile on my face as Bokuto tells a story about some late-night adventure at a training camp back in high school.

“And that’s when Akaashi and Kenma found us sleeping in the woods in nothing but our socks and underwear.”

I burst out laughing and he quickly follows. Once we are both able to settle back down, we sit through a comfortable silence as I sip from my cooled chai tea. When I finish, I try hard to stifle yet another yawn. I’ve lost count at this point, but Bokuto notices and is quick to comment on it.

“Hey, hey, hey, that’s the eighth time you’ve yawned in the last 30 minuets, we can go if you’re tired.”

Clearly, he’s been paying very close attention, and I blush ever so slightly. I wave my hand, partly to draw attention away from the red on my face and shake my head.

“It’s fine, I wouldn’t be able to sleep this early in the night and I don’t really want to stop talking with you just yet.”

_Where is this confidence coming from?_

I look more directly at him and notice his cheeks are also a shade pinker.

_I do like the effect it has though._

“Well, then, could I ask you a question?”

Bokuto looks at me expectantly, and I wonder why he would be asking to ask a question. He tends to be a straight shooter, asking or talking about whatever is on his mind without much forethought. 

“The fact that you’re asking to ask makes me nervous.” I say with a shy smile.

He leans a bit closer but keeps a lighter look to his face.

“Well, I’m asking because last time I asked this question you got really quiet and I really enjoy talking with you so if that might happen again, I’d rather not risk it.”

My face burns and I can tell he sees this reaction because his sly smile appears on his face and he sits back as if in triumph. 

“Well, that’s likely because I didn’t know you that well until recently, so if it was somewhat personal, that would make sense. But I would say we are definitely much better acquainted than before, so shoot” I finish with a smirk, leaning one elbow on the table and propping my head up with the other, chin in hand.

“Well, when I first met you, I had asked what you were thinking about so much, and I wasn’t going to bring it up again, but I’ve noticed you're more tired and have been getting more distracted the last week or two.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that... I-I, well um”

_I must not have as much of a handle on everything as I thought..._

I shift in my seat, placing both arms on the table to fiddle with my fingers, which are suddenly the most interesting things in the room. Bokuto leans forward again, resting a hand on my forearm. 

“You don’t have to tell me”

I shake my head, “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just... well, I’ve tried to explain it to someone before, and I can never explain it well enough for them to understand.”

“Try me” he says as he sits back.

I take in a deep breath.

“Ok, well it's weird, and I don’t fully understand why it changes like it does, but sometimes, I space out because I just feel nothing, like I’m numb and everything around me is duller than normal. Then other times it’s because I am so overwhelmed with just one feeling.”

I glance up to gage his reaction and he looks a bit confused, but less so than most.

“Do you find yourself playing situations associated with those feelings over and over again in your head?” he asks, and when my eyes nearly pop out of my head, Bokuto continues.

“Do you ever feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people? Or like you can’t tell anyone how you are feeling because you don’t want to burden them? Or...”

He pauses for just a moment to lean forward, placing one hand back on my forearm and raising the other to my face, wiping away a tear I didn’t even realize had formed.

_That’s weird, I haven't been able to cry in months._

“Have you ever had to hold on to something outside of yourself in order to make it through the day, because you didn’t have the strength to live for yourself?”

A small sob escapes my lips, and I cover my mouth in surprise at the sound. He gives me a small, sad smile as he lifts both hands to wipe away the now steady stream of tears.

“H-how did you d-describe it so well?” I stammer.

“Because I used to struggle with those thoughts and feelings too, I still do sometimes, but I was diagnosed with depression when I was still in high school and have been getting help ever since.”

I wipe the rest of my tears on the back of my sleeve and crinkle my brow, shaking my head.

“But I don’t have depression, I-I control how I feel, I just need to t-try harder...”

“Hold on,” Bokuto interrupts, a concerned look on his face. “Who told you that?”

“Well, I thought I had depression in middle school, but I was a dramatic and attention seeking teenager, and my parents warned against making excuses for that behavior. Besides, when I’m not selfish and I focus on what others need I don’t feel that as much, though...” I trail off as I remember a time when I gave myself wholly and completely to those around me. 

It had lasted about a year and a half, where I made sure those around me were taken care of, never saying no, giving my time and energy beyond what was required. It started around the time I started working in high school. I became really close with most of the people I worked with and the company promoted the idea that those of us who worked there were family. It felt amazing to be part of a group of people who all were looking out for and supporting one another.

Then shit hit the fan.

The rose-tinted glasses came off and people’s true characters were revealed. Suddenly, someone we all trusted and considered a friend wasn’t. This manager got fired for having inappropriate relationships with multiple employees and it was soon realized they were manipulating everyone, saying the right things to the right people, to get what they wanted. I also realized around this same time how much I had been used because of my generosity. My superiors took advantage and would often ask me to do things or cover shifts because they knew I wouldn’t say no, and if I hesitated, they would pull the family card. I was supposed to stay at that job until the end of the summer when school started, but I quit in the spring, because I was done with feeling used. I realized quickly after I quit just how many of those ‘close’ friends were really my friends. With Yachi caught up in the relative newness of her relationship, I spent this last summer very alone.

I feel my chest get tight as all of the repressed emotions I have connected to the last year come to the surface and suddenly it’s difficult to breath.

_**Used** _

_**Worthless** _

_**Burdensome** _

_**Disposable** _

_**Abandoned** _

_**Lonely** _

_No, No, No, I don’t want to feel this right now, Stop!_

I’ve worked so hard to push these to the side, to try and live without letting these emotions decide what I do and don’t do. Whenever I am with Bokuto, I can relax and laugh and feel somewhat normal, and now those feelings are invading my time with him too.

My next movements don’t feel like my own. I’m standing up abruptly, walking out of the Café, heading back to my dorm. I can feel the cold nip of the late November air, and I realize my coat was left back at the café, but I keep walking, hugging my body in an attempt to stay warm. A moment later, I notice wetness on my cheeks, and I realize I must be crying again when I feel them stinging as a particularly harsh gust of wind hits me head on. I need to get it together, I can’t let him see me cry, though it’s too late for that, I guess.

_**‘Wow, you loved the tenderness he showed when you started to cry, did it satisfy you, did you get the attention you crave?’** _

_Ahh, Stop! I wasn’t crying for attention; I didn’t even realize I was crying_

_**‘Sure, that’s what you tell yourself, even so, it just goes to show how needy you are. Nobody is going to want to be around you if your clingy’** _

I suddenly feel all the energy zapped from my body and, even though I’m cold and have no coat, I find myself settling down on the backside of a tree near the sidewalk, partially shielded from view and wind alike by a scraggly bush. I would pull my knees to my chest and hug them if my body could do that, but even the comfort of curling in on myself is something I am unable to obtain, so I lean my side against the tree as best I can and lose myself in the pain that I managed to bring back up. If I cry it out here, maybe become physically cold enough to numb the emotional pain, I can pull myself together and get back to the dorm.

The worst part about all of this is the constant stream of conflicting messages that run through my head with each wave of emotion. The logical vs the illogical. The sane vs the insane. 

_You need to rely of others, that’s a natural part of living and being in community_

_vs_

_**‘If you rely on others you will be too much, and they will leave’** _

_Desiring attention, love and affection is natural and healthy_

_vs_

_**‘Desiring love and affection makes you needy and annoying, nobody wants to be around that...’** _

I feel something warm wrap around me, my body is shifted, and I am pulled into someone’s arms. I bury my face in whomever is holding me, not wanting them to see my face though it probably doesn’t matter at this point. I can feel circles being made on my back and a hand smoothing down my hair. After a minute or two, I feel my body lifted off the ground and as I get carried wherever they want to take me, I feel myself drift into unconsciousness


	4. Chapter 4

When I wake up, I don’t move for hours. I’m in my own bed which means whoever carried me knew where my dorm and room were, meaning Bokuto must have found me, he and Yachi are the only two who know exactly where my room is located and Yachi wouldn’t have been able to get me back on her own. I buried my face in my pillow and let out a small scream. 

_Why am I so pathetic?_

I turn my head and lay there, staring at the wall my bed is up against, counting the bumps in the paint. This mind-numbing activity has become my go to on the days I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. It's only happened two or three times this semester, but the counting helps me center myself, getting put together enough to go through my day. When I do manage to pull myself from bed, I look at my phone. It’s almost noon, which means I’ve only missed one class. I debate whether or not I should try to make it to my 12:30 class...

_Phycology, oh god!_

I don’t want to face Bokuto after what happened yesterday, I am beyond mortified at the emotional outburst.

**_‘and he probably doesn’t even want to see you again after that’_ **

_What? Why?_

**_‘Really, you would want to be around someone as emotionally unstable and needy as you?’_ **

_Well, I don’t think-_ ****

**_‘Besides, he hasn’t texted you since, and he normally texts you before class to see if he can get you something from the café on his way here’_ **

_Yah but he’s not obligated to do that so..._

**_‘Still’_ **

Ugg! 

I can’t afford to miss another class, or my grade will suffer more than it already has. I pull on a hoodie that’s getting just a bit too tight for my liking and throw my hair into a messy bun as I head out to class. When I arrive, five minutes earlier than normal, I take my usual seat in the back corner. Students begin to slowly file into the lecture hall as I pull my notebook and a pencil out from my bag and I notice Bokuto walk in through the doors on the other side of the room, coffee cup in hand. I watch as he takes a seat on said side of the room and while part of me is relieved that I won’t have to face him, there’s also a sharp pain in my chest. Ever since that first day we ran into each other, he would sit next to me in class, so what happened? 

**_‘You should have seen this coming; it was bound to happen sooner or later, it always does.’_ **

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, pushing that voice down as far as I can manage.

_Better I let him go now rather than later, it will hurt less this way._

Class begins and I slouch back into my seat ready for another dull lesson. I managed to pay some attention to the content being taught and even get a handful of notes down. By the end of class, the pain has become a dull ache. It will be like this for a while, but I'll manage. I pack up my things and leave. As I exit the building, I catch sight of Bokuto making his way to the library. Even from this distance I can tell something is off. His shoulders are slumped forward, and he walks with less energy behind his steps. A pang of guilt takes root and I realize I should at least apologize for the trouble I caused him yesterday. I moved to catch up with him, much easier today compared to others.

“Hey, Bokuto!”

He visibly perks up but when he turns to face me, he holds an emotion on his face that I can't place, and it throws me off. 

“I-um, I wanted to apologize for the scene I made yesterday and the trouble you must have gone through to get me back to my dorm.”

I look up to meet his eyes and his face is a mix of shock and confusion.

“Anyways, I'll see you around.”

I start to turn around, but a hand wraps around my wrists and I'm brought back to face him. 

“What are you talking about?”

OK, now I'm confused. I start to answer but he continues.

“You have nothing to apologize for, I'm the one who needs to do that, I brought up the personal questions and I shouldn't have taken it that far, so, I’m sorry.”

I just stand there like a dumb idiot because I have no idea how to respond to this. I open and close my mouth a few times in an attempt to find something to respond with, but nothing comes out. Bokuto takes this opportunity to continue. 

“Look, I really enjoy hanging out with you and you're one of the coolest people I've ever met. I want you to know there's no pressure to tell me anything you don't want to, but I'm always willing to listen.”

He looks down at his watch. 

“I have a study group to get to, but I'll see you later OK?”

I give him a small nod and watch him run down the sidewalk. Everything he just said to me sunk deep into the pit of my stomach. A normal person would be delighted to hear what I just heard, but as I feel my stomach flutter, I'm filled with dread. I had found him attractive since the beginning and even with all of Yachi’s pushing towards something more, I had managed to push those thoughts away. But something new is stirring, and it scares me to death. The other two times I have felt this way, ended in pain and heartbreak and the worst part, it's always been me hurting myself. 

The first time I got close enough to someone to develop real feelings, I was a first year in high school. Prior to this, I had had the typical schoolgirl crush a few times, but this was different. This felt like it could turn into something real. I was excited and nervous, but I could see how everything would turn out, I just needed to see if he felt the same. I pushed to hang out more, I initiated small flirtatious gestures, I accommodated him in an effort to get him to see the difference. But nothing changed and I started to question what could be wrong with me. Eventually I noticed I was doing all the work in the friendship and when I stopped initiating contact, we stopped hanging out altogether. That’s when I realized I was the only reason any kind of friendship existed. The second time, I followed the same tactics, and he gave just enough for me to not lose hope. For a year and a half, I fostered a deep seeded feeling for this boy, giving everything, so I could prove my worth. I thought I was being obvious in how I felt, but it took him that whole time to realize, and when he did, he intentionally distanced himself. When this all came to light, I realized just how much I had set myself up for being hurt. I interacted and thought about him as if the feelings were reciprocated, feeding the monster inside myself that holds those feelings. The hurt I felt was self-inflicted, I was the idiot.

I can’t do that again. With everything that has happened, all the pain of lost relationships, I don’t know if I would make it through. I need to build walls to protect myself, keep others at a distance so that when the bomb does go off, and they are inevitably no longer a part of my life, the damage is minimal. I need to conserve my energy, so I have enough to keep going, I can’t push to keep a relationship that was never meant to last.

As I lay in my bed that night, my voice of reason breaks through all the other noise in my head, even if only for a moment.

_Is that fair? To write someone off before even giving them a chance._

_Be patient, let_ **_them_ ** _show you who they are._

_***_

I shift in my seat and look at my phone again. Even though it’s only two minutes past the official start of my appointment, it feels like it's been an eternity. I look around the small waiting room, turning to look when I hear the front door open and watch as a student makes their way to the receptionist. Even for a university health center the space is very small, only consisting of three rooms connected to the short hallway to the side of the waiting room. My knee bounces as I fight off the nervousness growing inside me.

_This was a mistake, I should leave..._

“Natsumi Sakura”

I snap my head in the direction of whoever called my name and I’m greeted by a petite woman with a small but bright smile on her face. I return the smile as I stand and she leads me into one of the rooms attached to the small halfway.

“I’m Sora Kaito, you can call me Kaito-san, go ahead and take a seat wherever you want.” She says as she gestures towards a couch and two arm chairs. I stay where I am and watch as she walks over to a desk in the corner and shuffles through a stack of papers before she grabs a notebook and turns back around. When she sees I have yet to sit, she gives me a confused look. I shift on my feet and look down.

“I-I’ve never done this before, I’m just a bit nervous.”

She gives me a much bigger, warm smile.

“I understand, counselling can be intimidating, especially with some of the stigma that comes with it, but please, take a seat and try to relax.”

I nod and move towards the sofa while she takes a seat on one of the arm chairs.

“So, this is your first time seeking counseling?”

I nod again, eyes darting towards the door.

_I could still leave…_

“What lead you to the decision to give it a try, normally people consider it for a while before they actually pursue it.” 

I take a moment before I answer.

“Well, I’ve just felt off, sometimes for no reason at all, and I’m not entirely sure how to fix it..”

“I see, now I would like to ask you about that in just a moment, but since it’s your first time, there is some paperwork we must go through first.”

I simply nod and she begins asking me a variety of questions, some about my family, others about my experiences in the last few years and others yet about my thoughts and emotions.

“So, yah in the last few months or so I haven’t felt much of anything, well, until more recently that is.”

She nods as she scribbles in the notebook on her lap.

“I just, I don’t know. I know I’ve had a few crappy things happen, but those are nothing compared to what other people go through, so I don’t understand why I’m having such a hard time with all of this.” I say with a sigh.

Kaito looks up at me after she finishes whatever she’s writing and gives me an odd look that I can't quite read. 

“What makes you say that? Why do you compare what you feel and experience to those of others to determine their value?”

I blink a few times as I try to process her question.

“Um, well I guess I don’t think I should be complaining if it could be worse. I was raised with the idea that we need to look at the positive and focus on that, instead of dwelling on the bad.”

“There is definitely a benefit to looking at the bright side of a situation, but if you do that all the time, you end up sweeping the actual issue under the rug so to speak.”

I consider what she just said, I guess it makes some sense.

“You also mentioned not feeling much of anything until recently. What, if anything, do you think triggered that change?”

I ponder this for only a moment, because it's obvious what changed.

“I met someone who wouldn’t let me keep them away.” I say with a subtle smile. 

Kaito smiles as well.

“Then I would suggest you embrace that and hold on to that relationship. We all need someone in our life we can turn to and rely on and it sounds like you might have found that.” 

Again I nod. We continue to talk about how things have been more recently and what I am looking forward to in the coming week. Shortly after, the session ends and I make my way back to my dorm, slightly numb, but with one clear goal.

_Don’t let Bokuto go and maybe even open up to him._

_***_

I continue to hang out with Bokuto in the following weeks, but I’m withdrawn, only letting conversations go so far before pulling back again. Kaito’s words continue to play through my head, but I'm scared, and in turn I hesitate to open up. Before I know it, it's finals week, and after that everyone will be heading home for the holiday. Well, everyone except...

“So, what are your plans for break?”

I glance in his direction and take a moment to appreciate the aesthetic of it all. We are walking back to the dorms after a particularly late study session, the moon out and very full. It illuminates all of his features, especially his eyes, in such a way, he looks almost like an owl. If it wasn’t for his question, I would have smiled. I sigh and watch my breath cloud up before it disappears into the night.

“Well, this year my family decided to travel to the states to visit our extended family, and I wasn’t able to afford the ticket... because of some stuff that happened over the summer, so instead of being alone at home, I decided to stay on campus over break. There’s no transportation costs and food is covered by the meal plan, so it seemed like the easiest option. What about you?”

“Oh, um, well I grew up here, so my family is in town and I usually spend the holiday at my parents or my grandparents’ house.”

A ghost of a smile appears on my face.

“That sounds lovely, do you have a big family?”

“I have two older sisters, one of which is married with a kid on the way,”

His face lights up as he says this and that feeling stirs in my chest again.

“I’m actually really excited to be an uncle, it’s going to be so fun!”

He pumps his fist in the air and I let out a laugh.

“I’m sure you will be a great uncle; you definitely have the energy for it.”

“Ha, yah, I can’t wait! So, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What about your family?” he says and smiles at me.

“Oh, well, I’m the oldest of five,”

I glance back over at him and can’t help bursting into laughter at how big his eyes are.

“No way, are you serious? That’s so many kids, how did your parents do it?”

“I honestly don’t know, but yes, five. The rest of my family is from the united states, my parents met here when my mom did a year abroad and she never went back. We usually went back for Christmas every three years or so, but this year money was tighter than usual. With my starting university and everything they asked that if I go, I pay my way, and I couldn’t, so I’m not going with them this year.”

His brow furrows when I finish.

“Well, I’m sorry, that sounds like a tough situation.”

Bokuto’s face suddenly lights up and he gives me a mischievous grin. 

“But I will admit, I’m glad you will be close over break, I was going to miss our coffee dates.”

My stomach flips again but I chose to ignore it. I raise an eyebrow and give him a look, though I can’t keep a smile from creeping onto my face. 

“Does that mean the coffee will continue through the holidays?”

“Well only if you want to, but I would very much like to keep it going.”

I nod my head as we approach my building.

“I would very much like that too Bokuto. I’ll see you at the final tomorrow, make sure you get some sleep or all that studying will have been for nothing.”

I hesitate, debating how much I can do without losing myself to spiraling thoughts, then I turn and give him a tight hug before running into the building. As I get ready for bed, brushing my teeth and replacing my contacts with glasses, I work to rein my thoughts in enough to sleep. After I slip into bed, placing my glasses on my nightstand, it takes me another half hour to begin fading into sleep. Right as I start to slip away, my phone buzzes. Curiosity gets the better of me quickly and reaches over to see who could possibly be texting me this late at night. When I see it’s from Bokuto, my heart goes crazy and my face feels hot. 

_He has never texted me this late before..._

I waste no time opening the message.

‘I told my parents I’m bringing someone special to Christmas and I would hate to be a liar, so I hope I’ll be seeing you on Christmas ; )’

I can promise if anyone were to see me, they would think I spent an entire day in the sun. I get up and go to the bathroom to cool my face down with some water.

_Maybe this is the chance to be given,_

_The chance to prove himself, let him show me who he really is._

I sigh as I stare at my dripping reflection in the mirror. 

_So much for getting good sleep before our final tomorrow._


	5. Chapter 5

Two days later, finals are over, and I see Yachi and Hinata off before meeting Bokuto at the café. When I round the last corner, I can see him waiting outside and he visibly perks up when he sees me. I can feel my face flush red and I can only hope both my scarf and the biting cold will cover for my reaction. I have spent the past two days talking myself down and I don’t want all of that work to go out the window. I always read into things, overthink and self-sabotage the friendship when I start liking someone, and I’m not going to let that happen this time. 

_I’m getting coffee with a friend who happens to be a guy. Oh, and who also invited me over to celebrate Christmas. That’s it, nothing more._

**_‘he only invited you because he pitied you’_ **

_Ah, there it is_

Some days the degrading internal voice is quieter than others, but it’s been especially loud these last few weeks. As obnoxious as it’s been, I will admit it has been helpful in squashing any potential rampant thoughts. I’m pulled back to reality by a warm embrace, a greeting that’s become the new normal ever since the first hug two nights ago. When I feel myself lifted off the ground, I squeal in surprise.

“Bokuto! What the heck?” I scold. 

As my feet reconnect with the ground, I slap his shoulder, but I can’t keep a smile from spreading across my face. I’m honestly quite impressed he was able to pick me up as easily as he did. Ever since I started turning to food for comfort in middle school, I have struggled with my weight. While I’m not particularly self-conscious about my body, being picked up by someone I’m fighting off feelings for brings it quickly to the forefront of my mind. I subconsciously pull my unzipped coat to cover my stomach as Bokuto feigns injury.

“Hey, hey, hey, what was that for? Am I not allowed to be excited to see you?”

I roll my eyes but my smile brightens at the implication of his question.

“No, you can feel however you want, but catching me off guard by practically throwing me is less than appreciated.”

He flashes me a cheeky grin and flexes one of his arms.

“I can’t help how strong I am”

I let out a deep laugh as I rolled my eyes again.

“Yeah, yeah, come on, it’s freezing out and there’s a warm drink inside with my name on it.”

I start to push Bokuto towards the door, but he stops me, catching me by the wrists and pulling me forward until there’s less than a foot of space between us. Time seems to slow as he smiles down at me. A smile that is so soft and warm it nearly takes my breath away.

“Actually, I was thinking we do something different since the café is essentially our second home.”

“O-oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, would you care to join me for dinner at Omakase, my treat.”

My stomach begins to flutter as if there were a thousand butterflies inside and my breath hitches in my throat. This, however, is paired with warning bells and flashing lights in my mind.

_Is he asking me out on a date, like a date-date?_

**_‘Why would he do that?’_ **

_You know what, why not, I am not going to let this moment get ruined, so just shut up!_

**_‘But what about protecting yourself, all you’re doing is opening yourself up to be hurt again.’_ **

_But we are also trying to give him a chance, this is a good opportunity for that._ ****

I give my head a small shake, solidifying my resolve, and smile brightly back up at Bokuto.

“Are you asking me out on a date? Because I would like to know what I’m getting myself into.”

I revel in the deep shade of pink that takes over his face. It’s nice not being the only one to react as such. He recovers quickly though, and the wildly cheeky grin takes over his face once more.

“And what if I am?” he finished by raising an eyebrow.

“Well, if you are, I would like to change into something a little nicer,” Bokuto releases my arms as I take a step back to look down at what I’m wearing. It’s honestly not that bad, dark jeans with knee high boots and under my coat a navy top with a cream-colored cardigan over it. But it wouldn’t be my first choice for a date. Bokuto’s eyes widen to the size of saucers and he shakes his head so violently I worry he might give himself whiplash. 

“This is perfect, you look amazing!”

The look on his face is so genuine. I give him a coy smile as the blush from earlier returns with ferocity.

“Well, ok then.”

_***_

We make our way to the restaurant, linked arm in arm. Once we are seated and have placed our drink orders we both begin to parous the menu. After a minute or two Bokuto looks up at me and wiggles his eyebrows

“Please, get whatever you want tonight, I want to make a good first impression.”

I give a small laugh as I continue to look at the menu in front of me. 

“I would hardly call this a ‘first’ impression. But I’m probably going to go with the miso soup and salad combo.”

I look up when I hear a huff and can’t help but giggle at the pout I find on Bokuto’s face.

“What?”

“I said get whatever you want, and you want to get something you can get at literally any restaurant in town, what’s the fun in that?”

I look down sheepishly and debate whether or not to explain myself. I hate how much small things can throw off my mindset, but after what happened earlier, I haven’t been able to push my insecurities completely away. I know logically it’s not something that should be a factor, and even if it were, why would he have asked me out in the first place? I also realize I haven’t opened up to him since that incident at the café almost a month ago, and if I want to give this, give him, a chance I can’t stay closed off the way I have been. When I look up to respond, Bokuto is staring at me with an intense curiosity.

“In all honesty…” I let out a sigh and shake my head to focus my thoughts. I give him a small smile as I continue.

“I’ve never eaten anything other than soup and salad when eating in public with friends because I’ve always been self-conscious.”

He looks totally and utterly confused as he responds.

“But what do you have to be self-conscious about?” 

I furrow my brow, now it’s my turn to be confused. I’m nowhere near a normal weight, and while I like to think I can cover it up sometimes, it’s obvious with just a single look. There is literally no way not to notice, so why is Bokuto acting like he hasn’t? I hesitate in my response, but I ultimately decide to avoid the topic, now is not the time to bring this up.

“Oh, I um, I’m worried I’ll look like a mess eating anything else.” I lie.

“Nonsense! I’m sure you look wonderful doing just about everything. Please get something you want to get.”

I smile at him and relent.

“Ok, ok, let me see.”

As I look over the menu, an unsettled feeling settles deep in the pit of my stomach and like a pebble caught in my shoe, I won’t feel it if I don’t step on it. Eventually, I decided to get shrimp yakisoba and soon enough we placed our order. As we wait for our food, the conversation stays light, talking mostly about TV shows we’ve watched recently. Once our food arrives, we dig in, and I begin to contemplate bringing up something that’s been on my mind since the breakdown I had at the café. I really don’t want to ruin our first date because of it, but I was also planning on asking about it tonight, before Bokuto changed the plans on me, not that I’m complaining. When the conversation stalls out for a minute, I take a deep breath and go for it. 

“So, I wanted to ask you about, um...” I trail off and inwardly curse at myself. As I’m thinking about saving this conversation for another time, I feel Bokuto’s hand on the forearm that rests on the table. I look up and I’m startled at the seriousness in his expression, not even a minute ago he was being playfully silly and earlier he had been completely clueless. 

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s ok, take your time. Remember, there's no pressure talk, but please ask me whatever you want, I'm an open book.”

My breath catches in my throat and I’m amazed at how quickly my nerves dissipate. 

_What in the actual heck, how can he make me feel both flustered and calm at the same time?_

“I wanted to ask you how you found out about your um, your depression...”

As I finish, I attempt to pull my arm back. For some reason the physical contact feels like an invasion of his space, even though he was the one to initiate it in the first place. Before I can get my arm fully off the table, he catches my hand in his, and brings his other around to hold both of his hands around my own. I look up at him and it's almost as if he is pleading for me to leave my hand in his and I can’t tell if it’s for my benefit or for his. I give him the slightest nod and yield in my efforts to withdraw my hand. He returns the nod with a soft smile.

“Well, I had known something was off for a while before anything was officially diagnosed. But, similar to you, I thought it was me, something I had control over. There was a year where me and Akaashi were not going to the same school, because of the age difference, and that was the worst year by far. My second year, when we were reunited, he noticed a difference and brought it up to me. We started talking about my mood swings more and while it helped a bit, I still felt off. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling what I felt, because there were no obvious reasons for it anymore.”

He pauses, seemingly to gage my response, and takes a drink from his water. I honestly don’t know what my face might look like as I’m busy trying to process what he’s said so far, what’s similar and what’s different. 

_Ok, so he said he thought it was him too and he also mentioned there were times he couldn’t understand why he felt the way he did_

**_‘But he talked to someone about it and it still didn’t help, whereas you haven’t tried to talk to anyone about this’_ **

_I’ve tried to talk to Yachi about it, and Hinata too I guess, but they didn’t understand_

**_‘Because it’s different, you know that as well as I do’_ **

_No, it’s not, my life has been completely fine and yet there are times when I just feel like shit!_

**_‘Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself, when in reality, you wait to see if anyone will notice you because you’re such an ATTENTION WHORE, and when they don’t, you get to add it to the list of things you can feel bad about’_ **

I squeeze my eyes shut in an effort to push these things away, and Bokuto must notice because he starts tracing circles into the back of my hand. I look up at him and reiterate the question, even though he hasn’t technically finished answering yet.

“What did you do to stop it?”

“I never stopped it, per say. But I started seeing a counselor and they helped me work through some coping strategies. I also, um, started taking medicine to help with some chemical imbalance, but those are also to help with my ADHD.”

He pauses and then brightens up as if he just remembered something. 

“But you know, the university offers free counseling through their health center. I haven’t used it because I had a counselor coming to university, but it’s worth checking out, if you feel like it might help.”

_Should I tell him that I’ve started seeing the university counselor? Is there a reason for or against, either way, this isn’t really about me, I’m asking him to share his experience and to turn it back to myself would be selfish and rude. ._

“Just so you know, I’m going to support you in whatever you decide to do. I just want to see you happy.” 

A tinge of guilt stabs at my chest and I’m not entirely sure why. Bokuto looks at me with a beaming smile and I can’t help but wonder how I was lucky enough to bump into him almost three months ago. I start to reminisce to myself about how those three months felt like both forever and a second ago when I’m startled from my thoughts as Bokuto speaks again.

“And thank you”

I tilt my head a bit, confusion clear on my face.

“For what? You’re the one who shared a bunch of personal stuff.”

His smile softens and I swear I could melt here and now.

“For asking. For trusting me enough to ask about something that might be uncomfortable to bring up, but ultimately helps you understand a bit more about yourself.”

I can feel myself blush, but at this point I don’t care. He’s managed to whisk me away to another dimension and suddenly it feels like we are the only two people in existence. The next thing I know, we are getting up from the table and making our way out of the restaurant and back towards campus. But the light hazy feeling never leaves. Whatever this is, it completely blocks out any negative thought that tries to surface and all I can think about is how lucky I am. As we walk, Bokuto reaches for my hand and I gladly give it to him, floating on cloud nine all the way back to the dorms. When we reach the front of my building, Bokuto turns to face me and reaches for my other hand, bringing both sets of hands between us.

“I really enjoyed our time tonight Sakura.”

I smile up at him dreamily.

“I did too, I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky”

Bokuto’s eyes widen to the size of saucers and a deep blush takes over his face. If I weren’t so far gone on whatever this feeling is, I would be mortified that I said as much out loud. Again, Bokuto recovers quickly, and leans in, stopping when our lips are just an inch apart, golden eyes intensely locked on my green ones.

“Luck has nothing to do with it.”

And with that the gap closed. I honestly don’t know who closed it, perhaps we both moved and met in the middle. The kiss is feather light, and it's almost as if our lips didn’t touch at all. The only reason I know they did is because as we pulled apart, they stuck ever so slightly. We don’t stay that way long as Bokuto drops my hands to gently cup my cheeks. The second kiss is longer and more intense, but still soft and sweet. This one does not end nearly as fast as the first one and I shift to find a place to put my own hands. Both snake their way towards his face, one settling on his jaw and the other wrapping around the back of his neck, pushing Bokuto’s hands out of the way in the process. They find their way to my side but when one of them starts to squeeze a particularly pudgy area of my body, I’m snapped out of my euphoric trance. I pull back, retracting my hands quickly.

“I um, I’ll see you tomorrow then” I say breathlessly.

Then I quickly turn and make my way inside, nearly sprinting up the stairs to my room. 

**_‘Wow, that was smooth, what a way to end a first date.’_ **

Once I’m inside my dorm, I flop onto my bed and shriek into the sheets. After a moment I remember that my window faces the front of the building and I quickly scramble to peek through it. My heart sinks when I see Bokuto right where I left him, very clearly confused and dejected. I sigh as I turn my back to the wall and sink to the floor, legs sprawled out in front of me. Leaning my head against the wall, I close my eyes as silent tears start to make their way down my face.

**_‘I’m honestly surprised you made it to the end of the date before you screwed it up.’_ **

I have no energy to fight the voice, experiencing every emotion under the sun in the last few hours has left me feeling drained.

**_‘It’s because if you were happy, you wouldn’t have anything to fuel your self-pity.’_ **

**_‘How many times will I get to call you out for being an attention whore, so desperate for drama.’_ **

I lift my head and slowly pull myself into bed, piling every blanket in reach on top of myself, until I’m hidden away from the world. And then I cry, a loud, howling, desperate cry. I cry because for the third time in my life, I believed I had a chance at loving someone and having them love me, only to fuck it up. I cry because I was the happiest I’ve been in months, and again, I had to go fuck it up. I cry because I hate myself, and because I hate how much I hate myself. I cry because a thought I haven’t had since the summer bubbles to the surface, and it scares the shit out of me.

_How much easier would it be to just, not be..._

**_‘You act like you can’t stand feeling this way, but you always mess up anything that could help’_ **

_Anything that could help..._

_The University counselor, I can’t mess that up, can I?_


	6. Chapter 6

A day and a half later I have yet to leave my room. I scroll through social media in an effort to numb the guilt eating away inside. Yesterday, when I was supposed to tag along while Bokuto did his Christmas shopping, I texted him telling him I wouldn’t be able to make it because I wasn’t feeling well. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t a physical illness that kept me in my bed all day. I thought in circles about the events of the previous night, bouncing between fantasizing about all the things that went well and agonizing over how I screwed it up. Today, I was lucky enough to sleep until the late afternoon, sparing me from my inner turmoil. I also managed to change into a set of clean clothes, sweats and a T-shirt, and while some might not think much of it, that’s a win on days like today and yesterday. 

I nearly fall out of my bed when my phone begins to ring in my hand and my brow furrows when I see the call is coming from Yachi. We text all the time, but she’s only ever called me once or twice at the beginning of the semester when I missed class. I answer the phone as I sit up and move to the edge of my bed, stretching my legs.

“Hello?”

“Sakura! Hi!”

Her voice is as chipper as ever and I roll my eyes when she doesn’t say anything else. I greet her a second time.

“Hey, what’s up?” 

“Oh, ha-ha, that’s what I wanted to ask you! I didn’t think you were going to answer, but you did, so what’s going on, how have things been since we last saw you?”

I furrow my brow even more, what is she talking about? We saw each other not two days ago, and even for her, that’s not that long, so she shouldn’t be missing me already. Besides, she’s with Hinata, so it’s not like she’s bored or lonely. 

“I’ve been fine,” I answer hesitantly. “Why?”

I hear hushed talking in the background before she responds.

_What is going on?_

“Oh, um, have you done anything fun or exciting, like with Bokuto?”

_What? How would she know anything about that, I didn’t tell her anything._

“Ahh, yeah, I guess we went on a date if that’s what you’re talking about.”

It’s not unlike her to gush about anything involving the two of us, but then, why isn’t she gushing, and again, how did she even know? I hear more whispering in the background and then Hinata’s voice fills the speaker and I have to pull it away to avoid hearing loss.

“Sakura!!! WHAT HAPPENED? I’ve never seen Bokuto this deep in ‘emo’ mode!”

Guilt stabs at my chest again and I mentally kick myself. I knew Hinata and Bokuto were close, that much was obvious by the way Bokuto would talk about him and the stunts he would pull at volleyball practice. Connecting the dots, it’s clear now why Yachi would have known about the date. I sigh before I respond, my voice reflective of how I feel about the situation.

“I messed up, I got in my head and ruined everything.”

Yachi is back on the phone, but I must be on speaker, because I can hear Hinata shuffling in the background.

“Sakura, honey, what on earth are you talking about, what happened?”

“I freaked out when he squeezed my sides, and I know it’s stupid, but I’ve never been close to someone like that and I spooked.”

More whispers, then Yachi, clearly trying her best not to squeal, asks,

“Sakura, was that your first kiss?”

I blush deeply because yes it was, and I ruined it! When I don’t respond right away, Hinata jumps in.

“Hey, listen, you need to tell Bokuto that. He thinks he did something wrong and Akaashi told me he hasn’t come out of his room.”

I bit my lip. 

_I really am the worst_

“O-ok, I’ll do that.”

“And Sakura,”

“Yes Yachi?”

“Stop putting yourself down, you are worthy of all the love given to you and more.”

I smile to myself, and then end the call after saying goodbye. I take a few deep breaths to collect my thoughts, because I realized something as I talked to them. For as long as I can remember, whenever I fantasized about being in a romantic relationship with someone, physical touch was one of the main themes. I would daydream about hugging and cuddling all the time, so why, now that it’s a possibility, am I so afraid. I shake my head a bit and pull my phone back out, searching for Bokuto’s name. Pulling up our message thread, I start typing.

‘Hey, I’m really sorry about the other night. I really did have a wonderful time, I just freaked out a bit at the end because I was too in my head. It wasn’t bad at all, just so you know. Also, I really didn’t feel great yesterday, I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was avoiding you. Anyways, sorry again.’

I read over the text and hid my face behind one of my hands as I hit send. It’s not the smoothest explanation, but if I tried to make it perfect, I would end up never sending anything. As I’m about to toss my phone onto my pillow, it starts to ring again, but this time I don’t recognize the number. As soon as I answer it, I realize why.

“Hi, I’m calling for Natsumi Sakura.”

“Yes? This is her.”

“Are you cancelling your counseling appointment? It was scheduled to start five minutes ago, but if you need to cancel and reschedule, I understand.”

_Shit, I completely forgot about that._

“Um, no, if it’s ok I actually think it would be really helpful to meet today.” I reply.  
“Of course, and it just so happens there are no appointments after your’s, so we should be able to do an entire session.”

“Thank you so much, I should be there in ten minutes.” I stammer before hanging up the phone. I take a moment to mentally kick myself for being so forgetful before putting my glasses on and throwing my greasy hair up into a messy bun. I look like I’ve been hit by a bus, but at this point does it even matter? I grab my keys and hurry to my appointment.

_***_

Kaito greets me with a warm smile when I arrive and I take a seat in the same spot as last time. She closes the door and quickly follows, sitting in the chair across from me.

“So, you said you thought it would be helpful to meet today, what's going on?” She questions as she pulls out her notebook and readies her pen.

I sigh, I don’t know why, but for some reason, I thought I would be able to avoid talking about the events of the last 24 hours, but considering those are the main motivator to not cancel, it’s a stupid thought.

“It’s been an interesting day and a half to say the least.” I answer, still trying to avoid the subject.

“And what was interesting about it?”

“Um, I spent some time with one of my friends last night, well, actually it was more like a date, and I royally screwed it up.”

“How so?” She looks at me expectantly, one eyebrow raised and even though it’s her job and the whole point behind this counseling is for me to talk about myself, I hate it. I wiggle in my seat as I answer.

“I, um, it was going really well but at the end of the date we kissed, and I freaked out internally and left him standing outside my building without much of a goodby.” I bring my hands to my face, wincing at the memory of it all. She hums in response and starts writing something in her notebook. I continue, feeling like I’m not explaining myself well.

“It just feels like every time things start to turn around and get better, I self-sabotage. But is that just a me thing, like something I need to just get over and stop?” I question. 

Kaito takes a moment to finish what she’s writing and then looks up.

“How do you feel about being out of control?”

I tilt my head confused by the change in topic.

“Uh, well I don’t like it, obviously. That's why I’m here, because I can’t seem to figure out what's wrong with me.”

“Oftentimes, we subconsciously act based on fears or desires we have in ways that make it hard to pinpoint the root cause.”

I furrow my brow, even more confused now.

“I don’t think I understand.”

Kaito smiles softly at me and reiterates.

“What I mean to say, is because you don’t like being out of control, your actions are all aiding in keeping you in control whether you realize it or not.”

What she’s saying makes absolutely no sense to me and when I take a few minutes to process, she waits patiently. Eventually I just look up at her, completely lost. She sighs.

“What I’m saying, and what I was hoping you might realize on your own, is that self-sabotage is your way of retaining control in those situations.”

After another moment, my eyes widen as I finally grasp exactly what she’s saying.

“S-so I ruin things… so that I’m the one to do it, and it’s not left up to chance?”

Kaito smiles brightly at me.

“Exactly, now why do you think that is? Why are you so unwilling to give up control?”

I ponder this, thinking about times when I’ve felt out of control and my reactions to those situations. My eyes widen again as I realize something else.

“It’s easier to have someone to blame when things go wrong, and since I can control whether or not that's me, I do exactly that!” 

I sit back in my seat, in awe of the discovery Kaito’s helped me make, and she speaks up again.

“I recommend you push yourself to give up some of that control. Not all of it all at once, but perhaps start with some of the smaller things where you can let go of control.”

I nod, embedding this new challenge in my mind.

When I return to my dorm, I’m tired, hungry and thirsty. After kicking off my shoes and throwing my stuff onto my bed, I move to get myself a glass of water, mouth feeling like a desert. After guzzling one glass I start to pour a second and when my stomach rumbles for the third time in the last ten minutes, I realize I haven’t really eaten or drank **anything** in the nearly two days I’ve kept myself cooped up in my room. I open my mini fridge to see if I have enough for a meal. All I find is an apple and some hummus. I sigh as I grab the apple and move toward the couch. I was lucky enough to get a room to myself after my roommate dropped out the first week of school, and I didn’t hesitate to use the extra space. I eat my apple as I bask in the sunlight hitting the couch and stare at the ceiling, when I finish, I toss the core into the trash. Despite having slept all day and only having been awake for three or four hours, the brain power put forth during the counseling session drained all my energy, and the warmth from the sun soon lulls me to sleep. 

_***_

I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep when I’m startled awake, strands of hair falling out of the bun and down around my face as I sit up to look around. I notice it's dark out as I crinkle my brow in confusion, looking for what pulled me from my nap. After another minute there’s a knock at the door, and I can only assume that’s what woke me. I rub my eyes and re-adjust my glasses on my face as I get up to see who’s at the door. My guess is it’s the building director, checking in on the students who stayed during break. When I open the door, I see someone sulking their way down the hall towards the stairs and there’s no mistaking the spiky black and white hair on their head.

“B-Bokuto!”

He whips around at the sound of his name and flashes me a smile. As he starts walking towards me, he must see the confusion on my face, because he answers the question I’m about to ask. 

“I, um, I texted you back, but when you didn’t respond I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

He looks down at his hands, pulling my attention there as well and I see a small bouquet of flowers and a grocery bag. My cheeks are on fire with the blush that covers my entire face, and I know there is no way to hide it.

“I brought you some flowers and soup since you said you weren’t feeling well yesterday.”

The gesture is so sweet I could cry, and I almost do, but instead I reach for the flowers, pulling them to my nose and inhaling deeply.

“Thank you, these are lovely.”

He tries to hand me the bag of soup, but I reach past it and grab his wrist as I invite him in.

“If you have the time, I feel like I owe you more of an explanation about what happened on Friday.”

He lets me guide him into the room but shakes his head slightly as I close the door.

“You don’t need to explain anything more than you already have, you-”

I shake my head, stopping him,

“No wait, that wasn’t the right wording. I, um, I want to see where this,” I gesture between the two of us, “goes,”

He sends me a brilliant smile at that and another blush spreads across my face.

“But I need to be more honest and open with you, let you in instead of shut you out, if that’s going to happen.”

Bokuto nods and I turn around to place the flowers in a vase, then I pull out some bowls to serve up the soup. As I’m doing so, I glance back to find Bokuto’s wide eyes wandering around the small room, and I smile to myself, enamored by his curiosity. I finish dividing the soup into the two bowls and hand one to Bokuto, then I grab my own and nod towards the couch. It’s not very big, but there’s enough room for the two of us, though it’s impossible to sit without brushing up against each other. As we get settled, I start to get nervous and so, despite the fact that it’s burning my tongue, I dig into my soup right away. As I eat, I’m busy thinking through what I should say and how I should say it, which only manages to fray my nerves even more. After a few moments of silence, Bokuto speaks up.

“So... I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

I lower my bowl, nearly half gone already, and subconsciously fiddle with them.

“Well, I normally wear contacts, but they can irritate my eyes if I wear them too long, so when I’m done doing things for the day or I don’t plan to go anywhere, I like to wear these instead.” 

I shift in my seat, pulling my legs up to sit criss cross.

“But if the contacts irritate your eyes, why do you wear them?” Bokuto asks as he starts to make headway on his bowl of soup. 

“Well, for one, contacts don’t smudge,” 

Saying this brings my attention to how dirty my glasses are. I drink up the last of my soup and place the bowl on the ground, removing the glasses to clean them against my shirt as I continue.

“and two, I don’t love the way I look in them.”

I hold them out to check that they’re clean when Bokuto’s hand reaches out and plucks them from mine. When I turn to protest, he slides them onto his face then props his elbow up on his knee, posing as The Thinker. A second later he looks back at me and wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“How do I look?”

I let out a laugh at the ridiculous face.

“Like a true scholar.”

As my laugh fades, he removes my glasses and puts them back onto my face, fingers lingering on my cheeks for just a moment.

“Well, I think **you** look beautiful in them.”

I roll my eyes as, yet another deep blush paints my face.

“You really need to stop doing that.” I say, turning away to hide the blush and the smile creeping its way onto my lips. 

“Stop doing what?” Bokuto asks. I compose my expression and as I turn back to face him, I shift my whole body to face him more head on. When Bokuto does the same, we end up sitting knee to knee, though he still has one foot planted on the floor.

“Saying things that make me blush!” 

I get a toothy grin in response.

“But it helped you relax, didn’t it?” he asks, wiggling an eyebrow at me. With a laugh, I shove his shoulder as I respond. 

“Oh, I see, you’re just saying those things to get to the juicy details about the inner workings of my brain.” 

He suddenly gets very serious. 

“Absolutely not, I meant every word.”

My breath catches in my chest at the sudden change in tone, but his shameless smile quickly returns, and as I exhale, he continues.

“But I’m not going to complain if I get something out of it.” 

I crack a smile and sigh, then I look down at my hands as I attempt to begin my explanation.

“Ok, so I um, well,”

I start wringing my hands and Bokuto places one of his hands on my knee.

“You’re the first person to ever reciprocate my feelings, so this is all very new for me.”

I look up, my face quickly matching the confusion on Bokuto’s.

“Precipitate?” he mumbles to himself, and I can’t contain the cackle that follows, leading to an even more confused face from him.

“What?” 

I wipe away a few tears as I compose myself to respond.

“Not precipitate, reciprocate, like, I like you and you return that feeling by liking me back.”

“Oh... OH, wait what, no way”

My smile fades just a bit and I look back down at my hands.

“Yeah, I’ve only considered dating a handful of people before, but none of them ever returned the feelings, and there are a lot of things I never realized before that are coming up because of that.”

I pause because Bokuto looks as though he’s trying to piece together a puzzle. After another moment his eyes grow to the size of saucers and his face lights up with realization.

“WAIT, does that mean that was your first kiss too?”

My face flushes red at the question and his eyes get bigger, if that were even possible, as he takes my hands in his, pulling my attention to his face again. He smiles softly and rubs one of his thumbs over the back of my hand, and there is a slight fluttering in my stomach.

“Hey, that’s ok, if it makes any difference, you could have fooled me.” he says with a wink and my stomach does a flip. Smiling, I let my hands fully relax into his and find myself leaning forward, ever so slightly. He must do the same thing because the next thing I know, our faces are only a few inches apart.

“And I wouldn’t mind being fooled again.”

I give the slightest nod as my face heats up and then he’s closing the gap. The kiss is soft and sweet, as if to assure me he will never push me past what I’m comfortable with. Nonetheless, this kiss lasts a while, and when we finally pull apart, he gives me a curious look. 

“So, what were some of these realizations?” he asks, his thumbs returning to trace circles on the backs of my hands. I look to the side, a deep blush taking over my face, embarrassed by what I’m about to share. I take a deep breath. 

“Well, I’ve always craved the cuddling and hugging and stuff, but I’m also very... um, very hesitant?” I finish it like it’s a question rather than a statement.

“Why?”

I look back to Bokuto, slightly biting my bottom lip as I continue. 

“I’m a bit self-conscious... about my body, and I didn’t realize it until there was the possibility of someone else being close to me. Well, actually, until you touched my sides that is...” 

His eyes widen and his mouth opens and closes a few times before any sound comes out. 

“OH MY GOSH!”

He drops one of my hands and before I can stop him, he smacks himself in the forehead.

“I am soooo sorry Sakura!”

I quickly grab his hand before he can hit himself again, shaking my head. 

“No, don’t be, it helped me realize my insecurity, and now I can start to work towards fixing it.”

His face lightens up and I let out a relieved breath, loosening my tight hold on his right hand.

“And” I add, “you could help me with that, if you wanted to...”

He smiles at me, a hint of mischief dancing in his eyes.

“And how might I help you do that?”

I smile back as I’m overcome with the urge to hug him.

“Well,” I start, slowly pushing his knee off the couch and scooting closer. “You could hold me for a bit.” 

His smile spreads across his face and he hums as he lifts his arm. I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest, his heartbeat thundering in my ear. As I snuggle closer and he brings his arm down around me, I bask in the sense of warmth and safety that overtakes me. 

“You know,” I mumble against his chest, closing my eyes. “I think the reason I have always craved this was for the sense of safety it provides.” 

I feel his chin come to rest on the top of my head as I continue to think out loud.

“I think, as the oldest child, I felt like I was responsible for everyone’s happiness and safety, and I never felt like I had someone looking out for me like that... it feels nice.”

We spend the rest of our time together like that, enjoying each other’s embrace as we talk and tell stories about our lives growing up. When Bokuto does leave and I settle into bed, I have no trouble falling asleep, the lingering warmth and vanilla scent of him covering any other thought that tries to surface.


	7. Chapter 7

In the few days leading up to Christmas, Bokuto and I spend a significant amount of time together. Turns out, he never went Christmas shopping when I canceled, so we spend nearly two whole days scouring through a variety of stores, Bokuto agonizing over each and every gift he picked, insisting they be perfect. I have never been one to turn down a shopping trip, but towards the end of the second day, even I’d had enough.

“Bokutooooo!” I whine as we walk down the lamp lit street. It’s getting late and my stomach has been making a fuss for the last forty minutes. The smells emanating from the restaurants and bakeries scattered between the shops aren’t helping.

“I love shopping as much as the next girl, but my feet are killing me and I’m starving!”

I twist my face into mock agony as I tug on his coat sleeve in an effort to get more of his attention. Bokuto chuckles, smiling over at me. 

“Well, there’s one more place I want to stop, but it's right next to an amazing ramen shop. How about I get you something from there and while you eat, I’ll pop into the store next door.” He offers.

I give him an annoyed look, not even trying to hide my irritation.

“Why wouldn’t we eat together, **then** go to the last store?”

Bokuto’s smile only grows, and I can’t decide whether to be more irritated or infatuated by his ability to ignore my childish behavior, though the creeping smile on my own face might be an indicator. 

“Well, like you said, you’re hungry and your feet hurt. Plus, it’s a small store, so I figured I could leave all of these” he holds up his other arm, full of all the bags we’ve accumulated throughout the day, “with you, give my arm a break.” 

In my defense, he insisted on carrying everything, arguing with me whenever I tried to take some of the load. But his reasoning makes sense and as we come up on the shop, the mouth-watering smells dissolve any further objection. We go inside and find a booth, filling one whole side with our bags then sliding side by side into the other. It doesn’t take long to place our order and as soon as the waitress leaves to fill it, Bokuto gets up.

“I’ll be right back,” he says, taking my hand to kiss the back of it. I blush lightly and stick my lip out to pout, but don’t argue. 

As I sit, I stare out the window, listening to the soft music playing in the background while watching the flurry of people who also waited until the last minute to get their shopping done. For whatever reason, the contrast between what I see and what I hear resonates with me and I begin to ponder the feeling. It’s familiar somehow, but I struggle to pinpoint why. After a while, I start to recognize the feeling of being out of sight, while watching everything else move around me. Without warning, I am overcome with melancholy and I realize exactly why it resonates so much. It's the same feeling I sat in over the summer, when I watched through social media as my friends continued living their lives together, without me. My surroundings blur in all noise becomes muffled as I sink deeper into the memory. 

**_‘That's what happens when you get close to people, eventually they will have had enough.’_ **

I try to shake the voice from my head, but it feels like it's filled with lead and it's suddenly much harder to breathe. An invisible but familiar darkness threatens to pull me under. 

_You need to get it together._

I take a shaky breath as I lay my head on the table to ground myself. 

**_‘And it will happen again, just wait.’_ **

I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness I felt then, almost as if I were drowning. Despite the restaurant full of people, I feel like I am the only person in the world, everyone having felt intentionally, leaving me behind. 

_God what is wrong with me?_

It isn't uncommon for me to be overly emotional in the week leading up to my period, but that's not what this is. Despite my grumbling earlier, I had actually really enjoyed my day, but now I'm ruining it by feeling sorry for myself about something that happened almost five months ago. Hot tears fill my eyes as I curl in on myself and I clench my jaw. 

_You idiot_

**_‘*Attention Whore’_ **

Someone clears their throat and I jerk my head up. The waiter is standing next to the table, two steamy bowls of ramen in hand and a concerned look on their face. I angrily swipe at my tears and give the brightest smile I can muster as I thank them. They raised an eyebrow at me as they set the food on the table, then they walked away. I grab a napkin to finish wiping at my face and then I blow my nose, attempting to erase all evidence of tears. I hate crying in front of other people, it's often loud and draws too much attention. 

**_‘But you love it, that's why you always do this.’_ **

I sigh and lean back, slouching into the seat as I watch the steam dance away from the bowls, wishing I could just as easily rid myself of my inner turmoil. This is how Bokuto finds me when he eventually returns, the untouched food no longer hot. A deep frown mixed with confusion meets me when I turn to greet him as he slides into the booth next to me. 

“You didn't have to wait for me, I thought you were hungry.”

He pauses and leans in just a bit closer, inspecting my face closely.

“Have you been crying?”

I give him a halfhearted smile and rest my head on his shoulder not saying a word. My heart floods with warm affection when he shifts, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer. I turn my face, burying it into his chest. 

“Hey, hey, hey,”

A hand starts to slowly stroke my hair. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shake my head and mumble my response into the fabric of his shirt.

“It's stupid.”

He's about to argue, but I lift my eyes to meet his and continue before he can. 

“I just... I’m glad you're back. I just need to know you are here and I’ll be fine.”

He gives me a gentle squeeze and brings his hand from my hair around to caress my cheek, his thumb moving back and forth under my eye a few times before coming to a rest.

“Of course, I’m not going anywhere.” He leans down, resting his forehead on mine, and we stay that way for a few moments. When we pull apart, I snuggled back into his chest and inhale deeply. His scent has started to become as calming and reassuring as he is, and I gladly let it consume my thoughts. After a while, I pull away and we both dig into our food. 

_***_

When we are done, we gather our bags and make our way back to Bokuto’s apartment. As a first year, I am required to live in the dorms. But being a third year, Bokuto is able to live off campus, renting an apartment with his childhood friend, Akaashi. When we arrive, I take off my shoes at the door and take in the space. 

The ground floor apartment has an open concept and lots of windows, the only solid walls being those to the two bedrooms and the mini hallway leading to them. But even the hall is opened to the main area by an archway. Immediately to the right of the front door is an accordion closet. The rest of the space opens to the left and back. The living room taking the front left and the kitchen taking the back left corners of this space, with a sliding patio door sandwiched between them on the far-left wall. The patio itself is huge, almost the same length as the apartment, and has room for a grill and a fire pit. In the back right corner, an old round table sits with a variety of different chairs around it. This is the only piece of furniture that doesn't fit with the rest of the apartment and I later learned this is because they are Bokuto’s, everything else in the main living space belonging to Akaashi. The hallway lies parallel to the patio door, and only leads to the bedrooms. For a 2/bed, 2/bath apartment, it’s on the small side, but Akaashi is sure to maintain a comfortable and homey aesthetic.

Bokuto moves towards the couch and dumps the arm full of bags onto the floor next to it. When he settles himself on the floor in front of the couch, I move to sit next to him. We spend the next hour or so going through and wrapping the multitude of gifts, making small talk and listening to Christmas music as we do so. Towards the end of our gift-wrapping extravaganza, I decide to bring up the counselling I’ve been going to. I’ve been meaning to mention it the last few times we’ve hung out and I’m not entirely sure why I feel obligated to tell him. .

“So, I started seeing the school counselor a few months ago…” .”

Bokuto stops what he’s doing and gives me one of the brightest smiles I’ve ever seen.

“Sakura, that’s awesome! I know it really helped me when I started to process and talk through things with someone else on a regular basis.”

I”m not entirely sure why he’s so excited, but it fills me with warmth, and I lean into him. 

“Do you still see a counselor, or were you able to fix it? I’m just worried It’s not going to help much” I say, eyes shooting up to his face and then down to the floor in front of me. I have to know if this will really work. I really need something, anything to help fix whatever is wrong with me. Even after a few sections I doubt it's depression, but it's hard to think of anything else it could be.

“I do, though now we meet once a month, unless I call and set up another appointment in between. But when I started, I saw my counselor once a week, and like I said, it really made a difference.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder and when he leans in, lips ever so lightly brushing against my ear, a shiver runs down my spine 

“I feel like I have to remind you,” he whispers, “that I am here and ready to listen if and when you want to talk.”

He then nuzzles into my neck, I’m assuming to be sweet and supportive, but it tickles, and it feels more intimate than previous interactions, but we aren’t dating, right? But is that because of him or because of me?

**_‘Obviously you’re the one holding back, you keep pushing him away whenever he tries to get close’_ **

I cringe inwardly and am filled with confusion and uncertainty. 

**_‘He clearly wants more, and he WILL leave if you don’t do something about it.’_ **

_I-I’m just not sure I’m ready for that yet…_

**_‘Well you better figure it out soon.’_ **

My face flushes red and I start to giggle nervously to hide my internal struggle. He pulls his head back quickly and when I turn to face him, he looks hurt.

“Why are you laughing? I’m serious!” 

My nervous giggles turn to genuine laughter at the face he’s making, but I try my best to answer.

“I-I know, but you can’t tickle m-my neck like that and expect me not to r-react!” 

To prove I was taking him seriously, I turn my whole body to face him and take one of his hands into my own, finally able to gain my composure back and putting on a more serious face. 

“Sometimes I... Well actually, most of the time, I won’t talk about what’s going on if I’m not asked about it, and sometimes I even have to be pushed a bit to share.”

Bokuto angled his head to the side in confusion and I sigh, because I get it. I am an enigma, I both crave attention and avoid it like the plague, and it can be very hard to understand and put up with, I would know. I shake my head.

“So, it’s kind of like, I don’t want to bother or force my issues onto others and so if they don’t show interest, or don’t really push to find out what’s wrong, I avoid answering to avoid being a burden.”

He looks upset when I finish and looks down at the hand I’m holding. After a few moments, concern growing steadily inside me, he looks back up, big crocodile tears filling his eyes. My own eyes widen in panic and my hands drophis to hold his face.

“Hey, hey, hey,”

Any other time, I would have laughed at my use of his catchphrase, but right now, I’m too worried about what could have possibly led to this. 

_Was that too much to share?_

**_‘Duh, that’s why you should just keep it to yourself’’_ **

“I’m sorry, I- it’s not like I can’t deal with it, I can, and I do, it’s ok.”

His eyes widen, tears still streaming down his face. 

“NO, no, I-I... I hate that you have ever felt that way,” he sobs, “I-you,”

He brings his hands up to grip my shoulders a little too hard, forcing me to release his face.

“You NEVER HAVE and NEVER WILL be a burden!”

Before I can respond, he pulls me into a tight hug, practically pulling me into his lap. After a few seconds of panicking about the fact that I am sitting on, and probably crushing him, I relax into his embrace and start to run my one free hand through his hair. I basically become a deer in the headlights as I sit there, not knowing how to act or feel in this situation. I have never been one to feel their own emotions when someone else is in crisis, instinctually wanting to comfort the other person before acknowledging my own needs. Bokuto is more upset than I am at this point and I can’t decide whether to find it endearing or concerning. The cynical side of me brings the fact that we aren’t even dating back to mind.

**_‘He’s attached, now if you mess up you are going to hurt him as well as yourself.’_ **

_Yeah, thanks for the reminder._

**_‘And you always mess it up...’_ **

I dig my face into his chest, and after a few moments I say,

“Ok, I’ll let you know when you ask if anything is wrong.”

He sniffles and pulls me back so that he can see my face, wiping his face with one of his giant hands. 

“OK, so is there something that’s been up today?”

I shake my head.

“No”

**_‘What did I just say?’_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read this far, thank you! The next two chapters are going to come out at the same time, but I would like some feedback before that happens. If you have any comments I would love to hear them! Thank you again!


	8. Chapter 8

I turn again, making sure to check my appearance from all sides for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. Though this time, it’s not to nitpick and critique my body, I can’t stop admiring how amazing I look right now. I’m waiting for Bokuto to pick me up for Christmas dinner at his parents. I stayed over at his place until almost midnight last night, having spent the evening cooking a meal together, though I did most of that, and watching Christmas movies. He had invited me to stay the night, but my thoughts about the status of our relationship and the fact we hadn’t clarified it led me to politely decline. Now though, cleaned up and put together, I am riding a wave of confidence. 

I gaze in awe at the cream-colored dress shirt with a red and burgundy floral pattern. It’s a lower cut than I would normally wear, and it cinches under the bust, drawing attention to the upper half of my body, i.e., away from my stomach. It is also loose and flows over my mid-section, aiding in the illusion of a smaller stomach. In general, the shirt accentuates my body and its curves in the best way possible. Pairing that with the black skinny jeans and heeled boots I picked, I’m a knock-out. I smile at myself in the mirror and touch up the minimal makeup I am wearing tonight. Five minutes later, there’s a knock at the door and I grab my purse as I open it. 

Bokuto’s face lights up and he’s smiling ear to ear. I can see it the second he takes in my appearance, his face shifting to a mix of astonishment and something else I don’t quite recognize. I giggle as his mouth opens and closes slowly with un-audible words, as if he were submerged in molasses. Then, without warning, I am pulled into a deep kiss. My eyes widen in surprise but I soonI just melt into it, mind emptying of everything else.

_Where is this coming from? We haven't kissed since the first time when I screwed up..._

When I start to feel my lungs burn from a lack of air and there are no signs of stopping, I pull back with a gasp, Bokuto’s lips attempting to follow. I give him a questioning look, in an effort to indicate my confusion, feeling slightly weary if I’m being honest. But now, the unplaced look is all I can see, and I quickly realize exactly what it was as he closes the gap once more, tongue swiping at my bottom lip almost immediately. 

_Desire_

As I let myself get pulled into another kiss, the voice inside my head starts screaming at me, and even my more rational inner voice has its concerns about what is happening. 

_**‘He’s using you; he'll get what he wants and then drop you like everyone else; he would have committed by now if this weren’t the case.’** _

_Even if that’s not true, this is a bit much for two people who are still only considered friends, even if he’s kissed you once before._

I know they’re right, but for some reason, my body takes over, muffling the voices in my head as I part my lips at the persistent request for entry. There is a short battle for dominance before Bokuto takes control, slowly walking me back into my room as he does. My mind is clouded from the lack of oxygen and nearly useless at this point, but I do register his hands coming to rest on my hips, lightly massaging them as we hit the back wall of my dorm. 

“You look radiant” he whispers as he moves to kiss along my jaw, giving me the chance to catch my breath and clear my head a bit.

“T-thank y-you” 

He moves back to my lips and a second later I feel calloused fingers on my bare skin, tracing the top of my jeans. This, plus newly filled lungs, is enough to snap me back to reality and my hands snap down to grab his and hold them a few inches away as I jerk my head back.

“W-we need t-to stop, we’ll be l-late.”

He drops his head to rest on my shoulder, taking a moment to catch his breath. 

“I-I’m sorry,” he says, wrapping his arms around me but keeping his head where it is.

“You just look so curvaceous!”

I cackle at him, because I know there is no way on earth, he had pulled that word from his vocabulary.

“My, my, what big words we’re using tonight”

Breath nearly caught, he lifts his head and takes a step back, pulling my hands into his and sending me a scowl that only encourages my laughter.

“Hey, hey, hey, what are you instigating?”

His eyes widen as even he can hear that he said it wrong, while I double over in hysteria, tears streaming down my face from how hard I’m laughing.

“Insinuating! INSINUATING! I meant insinuating!!!”

I straighten up the best I can as I begin to pull myself back together, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“I think you just proved my point.” I chuckle, and when he doesn’t bounce back, still somewhat deflated, I grab at his face and force him to look at me. His lips stick out a bit from the pressure I’m applying to his cheeks, and it takes everything I have not to burst into laughter yet again. 

“No matter what you did to be able to say such sweet things, I appreciate both the effort and the compliments.” I pull his face in for a quick peck on the cheek and when I move back, releasing his face, his usual chipper self is back. 

“Now let’s go, I don’t want to be late the first time meeting your family.”

I grab his hand and drag him out of the room, stooping down to grab my purse, which was dropped and very quickly forgotten just a few minutes ago. 

_***_

Half an hour later we are pulling up to Bokuto’s parents house in the suburbs, and my nerves start getting to me. After putting the car into park, Bokuto reaches over and places a gentle hand on my bouncing leg.

“Hey, it’s going to be fine, my parents are some of the chilliest parents around.”

I raise my eyebrow at him for two reasons, one: he miraculously only said hey once, something I don’t think I’ve ever heard, and two: I can’t imagine calm parents producing a child with as much energy as Bokuto. But I decide to only comment on one. 

“I find that hard to believe.” I say, only rolling my eyes halfway. 

“Believe it or not they are, and they are going to love you.”

I send him a smile and go to get out of the car before he stops me.

“Hold on, I meant to give you this when I first picked you up,”

He holds out a small but long box wrapped in red and gold paper, the tiniest bow I’ve ever seen on top. I give him a look, raising my eyebrow at him.

“What’s this?” I ask as I take the box, peeling away at the paper.

“Your Christmas gift of course!”

I stop and look up at him, guilt filling me to the brim.

“I-I didn’t get you anything, I’m sorry.”

Bokuto shakes his head.

“You’re coming to Christmas with me, that's all the present I need” he finishes with a smile and I can't help the blush that lightly colors my face.

I finish opening the box and let out a small gasp when I see what it is. It’s a beautiful silver necklace with a pair of owls sitting side by side on a branch. One owl is black with diamonds to match and the other, slightly smaller one is silver, also with diamonds. I look up at Bokuto fighting the tears that are threatening to spill out.

“It’s beautiful,” I breathe.

Bokuto wears the smuggest smile I have ever seen.

“Would you wear it for the Christmas party?” he asks, and I nod.

I hand the box back to him and he helps me with the clasp as I lift my hair.

I turn back and give him a warm smile before we both move to get out of the car and go inside. 

As we make our way to the front door I struggle to collect the thoughts running wild in my mind. This whole situation feels weird. He invited me because I didn’t have anyone to spend Christmas with, and while the way he invited me was flirty, it was still just as friends. But he’s treating it like I’m his girlfriend, meeting his parents for the first time, giving me a necklace as a Christmas present, and I’m feeling that too. But we’re not dating, we’ve only been on one actual date and since then there hasn’t been a conversation about what we are or where this is going. Not that I don’t want this to lead to a relationship, because I do, but without clarity, it’s hard to rein in the doubts and insecurities raging through my head. All that being said, this, right now, is just a family dinner plus one, right? 

When we walk to the front door, my breath is taken away at how big their house is. It reminds me of ones I’ve seen in the countryside when visiting the states, so outrageously big and nice they look out of place. As we step in the front door, I can see clearly into both the living room and kitchen through huge archways, both rooms filled with people. Everything is beautifully decorated, garland lining the stair railing and bordering the arches. The air is filled with the smells of Christmas dinner, with an overlaying cinnamon and citrus aroma. The room is filled with laughter and conversation as people mingle, some sitting on sofas while others hover around the kitchen island. As we are taking off our shoes, a woman I can only assume is Bokuto’s mother looks up from the kitchen. Seeing us, her face lights up and she sprints towards us, practically tackling Bokuto as he straightens up from arranging our shoes neatly. Somehow, this doesn’t draw the attention of any of the others in the two rooms and I think I can give a pretty good guess as to why. 

_Bokuto’s definition of ‘chill’ must be very different from mine._

“Baby Kō! I’ve missed you!”

She releases him and promptly pinches his cheek, hard.

“Ow! What was that for?” he asks, rubbing his face.

“I haven't seen you in nearly two months! And you live not thirty minutes away!”

Bokuto wraps his mother in a bear hug, apologizing over and over again, throwing his mom into a fit of laughter.

“Baby it's ok, just don’t let it happen again. Even if it's only for a few hours, your father and I love seeing you. Speaking of, where is he?” 

She craned her neck, looking around.

“Hiroshi! Kōtarō is here!”

She then turns and smiles at me, face lighting up even more.

“And he brought a friend!”

Before I can properly introduce myself, I am wrapped in a tight embrace, startling me a bit.

“Welcome! I’m Akito Bokuto and this,”

She pulls away as a taller man, I’m assuming to be Bokuto’s father, walks up from behind her. She places a hand on his shoulder.

“is Hiroshi Bokuto.” 

He smiles at me as I bow to greet him.

“It’s very nice to meet you Bokuto-san.”

“Please, call us Kuto-kun and Kuto-san, it’s what all of Ko-chan's friends call us.”

Akito turns to Bokuto.

“Everyone else is already here, so make sure you introduce,”

She pauses and looks back to me.

“Oh my goodness, look at me, so caught up in excitement I didn’t even give you the chance to introduce yourself!”

“Oh, it’s Natsumi Sakura, again, pleased to meet you!” 

I give another small bow and she laughs light-heartedly.

“Yes, and it's good to finally meet you too. Now Ko-chan, go mix and mingle with Sakura-chan, dinner will be ready soon.”

His parents nod at the both of us and then return to what they were doing before we arrived. I turn to Bokuto but he’s already moving to greet the first group of people, so I follow. We make our way through the living room, Bokuto introducing me and taking a few minutes to catch up with a person before moving to the next. 

Apparently, Christmas is a major affair in the Bokuto household, hosting all of their extended family on Christmas day each year. In the next half-hour, I meet aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in addition to Bokuto’s immediate family. I’m overwhelmed by the sheer number of people, but they are all kindhearted and lively, creating a vivacious and homey atmosphere. Soon, all social anxiety has melted away as I follow Bokuto, meeting different groups of people, feeling light and carefree. When dinner is announced, everyone takes a seat around a giant table covered in a variety of different foods. Laughter and lighthearted conversations fill the air as we eat.

After dinner, I offered to help clean up in the kitchen. Bokuto's Mother tries to decline, but I insist, it's the least I can do as an outsider. As she washes the dishes, I dried and put them away. It takes me a while to figure out where everything goes, but with Kuto-san’s help I eventually get it down . She quickly jumps into an interrogation like conversation, asking about my family, hobbies, and eventually University.

“So how do you feel after your first semester of college?”

“I really enjoy the freedom to choose my schedule, but living on my own for the first time has been challenging. I'm getting used to it though.”

“That's good, have you been able to find a group of friends? I remember that being one of the hardest transitions for me.” She asks, as she picks up a stack of plates and places them into the water.

“Yeah, I ran into an old childhood friend of mine in the first week of school. Meeting her boyfriend, Hinata, soon after, the three of us started hanging out often.”

Kuto-san’s face lights up.

“Oh, Hinata! We absolutely adore him, he’s so bubbly. Is that how you meet our Ko?”

I smile and shake my head.

“No, I didn’t know they were friends until after I met Bokuto. Well actually, we literally ran into each other when I was wandering around campus one day.”

I giggle to myself at the memory and Kuto-san soon joins in.

“That sounds like my Ko-chan, never looking where he’s going.”

“Well, actually, I was the one not paying attention.”

Kuto-san hums and we continue for a while in silence, just the sounds of clanking dishes filling the air. A content smile settles on my face as memories of our friendship since then flutter around in my head.

“I’m really glad he met you.”

I pause, half startled by both the words and the abrupt break in the silence and turn my head to look at her. She flashes me a bright smile as she continues.

“You’re the first girl he’s ever brought to meet us, let alone be interested in.”

A look of confusion takes over my face and Kuto-san smiles and nods her head, turning her attention back to the dishes in front of her.

“In high school, all he ever talked about was volleyball and the only person he really spent any time with was Akaashi. When none of that changed in his first two years of college, we started to think he and Akaashi were together and they just weren’t telling us.”

I let out a laugh as I picked up another plate to dry, because I can absolutely see how they would come to that conclusion. Since I first met Bokuto it became evident quite quickly that he was a physically affectionate person, and whenever I hang out at their apartment while Akaashi is home, Bokuto is almost always attached at the hip to one of the two of us, sometimes even switching back and forth multiple times. I can’t even imagine how much more he would have clung to Akaashi before I was also an option.

“But since meeting you, he’s mentioned you in nearly every phone call home. At first it was subtle, your name here and there in the stories he would share, but more recently, you have been the subject of the stories if you know what I mean.”

She winks at me and I blush while my heart flutters wildly. The insecurities about where we might stand are being quickly beat down by the confidence this conversation is building. We still need to define what this is, sooner rather than later, but at least I have a much better idea of where I stand. I stutter in my efforts to respond.

“I-I… really?”

“Yes,”

She looks around, making sure no one is listening in on our conversation and then leans over, whispering in my ear.

“I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t officially asked you to be his girlfriend yet.”

I smile as she pulls away, handing me a bowl to dry.

_Maybe I should be the one to ask if he doesn’t do it soon._

As if she were reading my mind, Kuto-san adds,

“He might not even realize he needs to ask; he can be quite oblivious sometimes.”

We both chuckle at the unfortunate truth.

“Well, that’s good to know, I’ll have to bring it up.”

Kuto-san smiles and nods as she refocuses on scrubbing a particularly stubborn casserole dish. As we resume the washing and drying, we continue talking, the conversation light with the occasional laughter and I become even more relaxed, all anxious thoughts washing down the drain.

_***_

Once we are done tidying up the kitchen, she leads me into the living room where everyone else has congregated. As we enter, Kuto-kun clears his throat.

“All right everyone, let's get this evening started!”

There are whoops and hollers throughout the room before he can continue, but after a moment the family settles back down, he continues.

“First and foremost, we are going to kick things off with our annual game of charades. Once we crown our champion, there will be Christmas classics playing in the movie room and board and card games in here and in the dining room. Now, everyone will be getting three pieces of paper and you need to write a person, thing and action; once everyone is done, we will collect them and get this game rolling!”

More whoops and hollers fill the space as the paper is handed out. Once I’ve gotten mine, I make my way to the other side of the room where Bokuto is standing, scribbling his words onto the papers he’s been given.

“Charades, huh?” I question raising an eyebrow as I put my papers against the wall and begin writing. He throws me a mirthful grin, and combined with my boosted confidence, my heart nearly explodes.

“Oh, this is no ordinary game of charades, we get very competitive and the stakes are high!”

He goes on to explain the bets and rivalries embedded in their version of the game as well as the importance of holding the title of champion.

“Two years ago, my parents lost their three-year streak to my uncle and his wife, and there has been some strong competitive tension between the two ever since.”

“Wow,” I say, genuinely amazed, “I didn’t realize charades could get so intense.”

“Then buckle up.” He says with a wink.

Soon, the papers are collected, and the game begins. I struggle to keep up in the first two rounds, but once I get my bearings and start to pick up on subtle mannerisms they have, I become a huge contributor to my team. Eventually, there’s only me and Bokuto, his parents, his uncle and his wife who currently hold the title, and a pair of Bokuto’s twin cousins. The next thing I know, it's just us and his aunt and uncle. My heart races as we take our last turn, needing twelve correct in a minute, no passes, in order to beat what his aunt and uncle just got.

“Santa! Dancing! Owl!”

I giggle at the last one, Bokuto just looking at me with wide eyes as he attempts to crank his neck around in a full circle.

“Writing! The three Musketeers! Campfire!

The timer goes off and Kuto-san rushes forward to count how many we got. When she gets to the last one, her eyes widen, and she looks up.

“Fifteen! They got fifteen!”

The room erupts in a jumble of noises and suddenly I am plucked off the ground and spun in the air.

“OH MY GOSH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE JUST WON THE TITLE!” Bokuto yells.

I wrap my arms around his neck, fearful of being dropped but also giggling with elation. When he sets me down, he gives me a quick and sloppy kiss. I smile up at him, but realizing we are still in the middle of his entire extended family, I quickly hide my face behind my hands in embarrassment. Bokuto lets out a hearty chuckle and pulls me into a hug. As everyone starts to settle down from the unexpected outcome, Bokuto’s aunt and uncle come over and congratulate us on the win. Then his parents appear, both of them beaming.

“You know what this means now don’t you?” Kuto-kun asks.

I shoot Bokuto a questioning look but when he just shrugs his shoulders, Kuto-san speaks up.

“It means you have to come back next year to defend your title.” She says, winking at me.

I smile shyly and nod, then Bokuto wraps an arm over my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

“Well, obviously!” he says with a smile.

My heart flutters and I get a warm feeling in my stomach, one I don’t think I have ever felt before.

Soon, a movie can be heard coming from the other room, and a plethora of board and card games alike are pulled out. People start to shift and settle into one of the many options for the remainder of the evening. Bokuto and I jump in on a game of Sorry with two of his cousins, then join a giant game of uno with about eight others already playing. After a few rounds, my head starts hurting, and I bow out to go watch whatever is playing in the movie room, hoping the minimal noise and darkness will help with my headache. The movie room is quite big, with recliners and couches scattered throughout, all facing the giant screen on the other side of the room. There is a chest full of blankets right next to the door when I walk in and I grab one before finding a seat on one of the couches closest to the side wall. As I’m settling in, I feel two arms reach around me from above and I look up with a tired smile.

“Hey, hey, hey, why did you sneak off like that? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” he asks, booping me on the nose before climbing over the back of the couch, landing with a plop next to me. I smile and rest my head on his shoulder, pulling the blanket up to my chin and offering the other half to him.

“No, I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, I just didn’t want to pull you away from the game, you seemed like you were having a lot of fun.”

“Well, fun or no fun, I would always choose to spend time with you.”

I let out a soft hum as I start to tune into the movie, but with how little sleep I’ve gotten lately, the darkness of the room and the warmth radiating from Bokuto as I lean against him, it doesn’t take long before I drift off to sleep.

_***_

I’m lightly shaken awake sometime later, and as I sit up rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I can see movie credits rolling on the screen, but they are not for the movie that was playing when I first came in.

“What time is it?” I ask groggily with a rough voice from the dryness in my throat.

Bokuto smiles down at me as he folds up the blanket we were using.

“It’s almost midnight, we should probably get going.”

I nod my head slowly and he helps me to my feet, leading me back towards the front of the house. There are still quite a few people hanging out and playing games as we pass by the living room, and I don’t doubt this will likely be an all-night event for some of them. As we are putting on our shoes, me much slower than Bokuto with sleep still clinging tightly to my mind, his parents come to see us off. I stand upright and bow to his father but when I turn to his mother, I am wrapped in another tight embrace.

“Good luck, I look forward to seeing you again soon.” She whispers in my ear before pulling away. I nod, but my brain is slow to comprehend what she meant by that.

_Good luck with what?_

We turn to leave, and as we step out into the brisk night air, my whole body is snapped into wakefulness.

_Oh, she meant good luck talking to Bokuto…_

We get into his car and start the journey home. For almost half of the drive, I am busy thinking about what this conversation needs to look like and what exactly needs to be communicated through it. Eventually, I turn to Bokuto.

“Hey,”

He glances at me, giving me a smile.

“Hey, I thought you had fallen back to sleep with how quiet you’ve been” he chuckles.

“Ha, yah, I was just thinking, I…”

I pause to collect my thoughts and Bokuto waits a few minutes before encouraging me to finish.

“I just wanted to clarify some things, um, things about us.”

I look over and feel something tense up in my heart when I see his brow furrowed, a worried look taking over his face.

“Us?”

My heartbeat picks up speed and I have to swallow the lump forming in my throat before I continue.

“Yes, well I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, all the coffee and shopping trips, and nights like tonight, they’ve meant a lot to me, and I-”

“Oh! Me too!” He quickly interrupts, “I’m very happy I ran into you and even more happy that I can confidently call you a friend now.”

“I… wait, what?”

My head starts spinning with the words I’ve just heard.

“I said, me too, I’m so lucky to have gotten to call you friend these last few months.” He says with a chuckle, one that I would almost say had some nervousness to it, but why would it? I take a deep breath, now is not the time to lose my head, I probably need to be clearer about what I am trying to communicate, but I also don’t think I could handle it if he flat out rejected me.

_Why would he do that? He’s asked you on dates before._

**_‘Just one actually, and if you’ll recall, she pretty royally screwed that one up’_ **

_Even so, he has kissed you multiple times since then._

**_‘Only once was it in the right context, the other times were out of excitement, so I wouldn’t count those.’_ **

_What about what his mom said, you are all he’s been able to talk about._

**_‘She’s new in his life, of course it would seem that way, but remember, they also thought he had something for Akaashi when he was all Bokuto would talk about, so…’_ **

In an effort to stop the spiraling thoughts inside my head, I speak out again.

“And you’re content with that?”

“Content with what?”

“Just being friends?”

There’s a moment of silence and it's evident from his face he’s doing acrobatics in his head, and my heart sinks, why would it take that much thought if it were already true. I brace myself for his response, and while I’m not sure what I expected, I am completely thrown by what he eventually says.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

I stammer a bit as my brain catches up. The whirlwind of emotions coursing through me and the speed at which they change is disorienting. 

“I-I-I thought… that this was moving… forward, from the way you… was I reading too much into this? Wasn’t this moving in the direction of something more?”

“Yes and no,” he says with a half smile.

My eyes dilate as I pair his answers to my questions.

_Was I reading too much into this?_

**_‘Yes’_ **

_Wasn’t this moving in the direction of something more?_

**_‘And No’_ **

My brain starts going a mile a minute, pulling apart and analyzing every interaction we’ve had, looking for how I could misread the direction our relationship was going, but this time, this time I come up empty handed. I am genuinely surprised at how quickly I fill with anger and even more so with how well I’m able to contain it, though hot angry tears collect in the corners of my eyes, just waiting to be spilled. I subconsciously fiddle with the necklace he gave me earlier as I use my other hand to wipe the tears before they can announce my current emotional state. Then , I’m suddenly fighting the urge to reach over and slap him across the face for leading me on like this. Why would this be moving towards a relationship? Um, I don’t know, maybe because he’s the one who’s been pushing this towards something else, even when I was clearly hesitant. Because HE’S the one who has initiated anything that has pointed to a desire to be more. Not to mention that stupid smile, still sitting on his face, how dare he?! Then I remember the way he kissed me when he picked me up and I almost explode. 

“What the fuck” I say as I turn, looking out the window. Then I notice we are only a minute or two from my dorm. I’m about to ask him to just let me out here when he speaks again.

“I don’t think that came out right.”

I snap my head back towards him, his face has panic written all over it.

_At least the smile is gone, he looks like he’s about to poop his pants._

“Yah, you think!?” I nearly shout.

He flinches ever so slightly and looks down while keeping his eyes on the road.

“But I also think it’s late, and it might not be the best idea to try and hash this out right now.” he responds, then bits his lip.

When he looks back at me he looks like a kicked puppy on the verge of tears and it only fuels my anger, but there’s a part of me that agrees with the idea. It’s definitely not the time and I have to blame myself for bringing it up this late in the first place. He comes to a stop in front of my dorm and puts the car into park. He then has the audacity to reach over in an attempt to take my hand and I quickly pull away, shaking my head.

“Your right, now is not the time, not for any of it.” I say bitterly.

I open the door and step out. I turn and bend down a bit as I say my goodbye.

“Thanks for tonight, I’ll see you later.”

I give him a half smile, though my tone is cold and distant at this point. Then I shut the door, a bit harder than intended, and stalk up to the building.

Once I’m back in my room, I aggressively get ready for bed, not bothering to pick up anything that gets knocked to the floor, some of which are not an accident. I almost never shower before bed, but tonight I need some kind of distraction, and the scalding water does a pretty good job while also managing to calm me down a bit. As I lie down, hair still damp, I start to scroll through social media, not caring that it’s already two in the morning. At some point, I realize that all feelings are gone, totally and completely. 

I feel nothing. 

Not anger. 

Not sadness. 

Not worry or stress. 

Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this chapter was two separate chapters, but in the end it made more sense to put them together. Thank you again to those of you who have read this far!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized I should probably include a warning about the mental illness and suicidal thoughts in this story. While it's fairly mild now, it will be more intense in later chapters and frankly, who am I to say what is triggering and whats not. Read at your own discretion and enjoy!

I woke up just before noon the next day, though I would estimate I got no more than five hours of sleep. As I roll over to grab my phone off the nightstand, I notice a tenderness in my underarm. I let out an audible groan as I settled back into place, phone in hand. While it’s not painful yet, it likely will be in a day or two, my indicator that my period is coming in the next week or so.

Ever since I hit puberty in middle school, the hormone changes that come with each cycle have caused cysts to form in my lymphatic system. I thought it was normal for years, enduring the pain and sometimes the drainage that came with the pesky things. It wasn’t until one particularly bad flare up, where the cyst grew to three times the normal size and the pain was so bad I couldn't lift or move my arm that I went to see a doctor about it. As they examand me, they commented on the scars that had been left over the years.

“There’s quite a bit of scarring here, how long have you been dealing with this?” she had asked.

“Oh, I’ve gotten these for years, but this is the first time it’s been this bad.”

Her eyes widened a bit in shock.

“Wow, that must have been painful, you are brave for having dealt with this on your own for so long.”

And that was after only seeing under my arm, she hadn't seen my cleavage or…

I sigh again as I look at my phone. There are at least three messages from Bokuto.

‘I’m sorry for how last night ended, there was definitely some miscommunication somewhere.’

‘I was just trying to say I am really grateful we are friends and have gotten this close, and I do want to have the conversation about more, I just don’t want to move too fast’

My blood starts to boil all over again. He doesn’t want to ‘move too fast’? Then what the hell was all of that stuff leading up to the party? Again, he’s the one who’s been initiating everything and pushing this forward, and when I finally feel somewhat confident and ready he doesn’t want to move too fast? None of it makes sense, which only adds fuel to the fire.

‘I’m having a New Years Eve party at my place, which I would love for you to come to, and we can talk then if you’d like.’

I know I’m probably reacting stronger than normal, but I’m having an issues with how nonchalant he’s being. ‘If I’d like.’ Ok yah, just casually talk about something like this, if I happen to want to, like I haven't already expressed my desire to figure this out. I send an ‘ok’ in response and shut my phone off again, dropping it onto my chest and covering my eyes with my arm.

After another fifteen minutes just laying there collecting myself and retreating to emotional numbness, I move to get up. I snack on a bag of chips as I get myself somewhat ready for the day. My parents are planning to stop by on their way home from the airport and Yachi and Hinata are getting back today. Yachi invited me to hang out and go to dinner with her later. At two o’clock I get a call from my mom, and I’m grateful for the warmth that fills me as I answer. I’ve always had a rather positive relationship with both my parents and there’s just something about talking to my mom that makes everything feel better, even if nothing has actually changed.

“Mom! Hi, are you guys almost here?” I ask with an upbeat voice.

“Well actually, our connecting flight has been delayed and we won’t be to the airport until 9pm tonight.”

“Oh, well thats ok, I’ll still be up, we could still meet up, even if it’s only for half an hour.” I suggest. I really don’t want to miss seeing my parents. I don’t think I’ve seen them face to face since this last summer.

“I wish we could, but we still have the two hour drive home once we get off the plane and your father works early tomorrow, so I don’t think we will be able to make it.” She sounds just as disappointed as I am, and I don’t want to make her feel guilty for not stopping by, so despite my plummeting mood, I put as much happiness as I can muster into my response.

“That's ok, I totally understand. I hope-”

“Natsu-chan, honey,” my mom interrupts, “I know it’s disappointing, I’m upset we won’t get to see you either, but we love you, more than you could ever know.”

I nod in response before I realized she can’t see me.

“I know, I love you too…”

“Ok, I’ll reach out to you soon here to see when we might be able to come visit again, hugs and kisses!”

“Hugs and kisses mom” I say as my forced smile leaves my face, then the call is ended. 

I flop down onto my couch and stare at the floor. I curse under my breath as a wave of emotions washes over me, and I have a strong urge to call Bokuto. But that makes me feel even worse, because while he’s the closest friend I’ve had since Yachi, he would probably want to come over and there are other more pressing issues we need to talk about first, and he doesn’t want to talk about those at the moment. I let out a frustrated groan as I continue considering my options. There's Yachi, but I’ll be seeing her in a few hours plus, if she has too much energy, I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll cancel our plans tonight, but maybe we can just meet up early. I look up to the list of things I had to do today written sloppily across my whiteboard. I still need to go grab a few groceries from the store, but after that I’ll see if Yachi is doing anything.

The quick trip to the store manages to add to this heavy fog that's creeping into my head. I walk through the store in what feels like a haze, lazily adding items to my cart without thinking twice about getting them. In the toilet paper ile, I stand and stare up at the package that's just out of reach. After a minute or two, I look around for an associate to help. Noticing one at the end of the ile, I start making my way towards them to get their attention. After multiple failed attempts, I raise my voice in an effort to be heard. The employee startles and gives me an annoyed look as they pull out a headphone.

“I um, I need help getting the toilet paper” I say as I point to the top shelf. 

They roll their eyes but move to help. I’m a bit shocked at the reaction, but I decide not to think about it too much. That is until they go to hand me the package and right before I take it they let it fall from their hands to the floor. Without breaking eye contact, they offer a half hearted ‘oops’, then walk away. I don’t move for quite a while and when I do, it’s automatic and stiff. The rest of the trip is a blur and I honestly don’t remember walking back to my doom, but what I feel inside is much of the same. At this point it’s almost preferable, with no one to talk to, I'd much rather be numb than have to feel whatever is being covered by the fog. 

Once everything is put away it’s nearly 5pm, and I debate whether or not I should really meet with Yachi early but I eventually pull out my phone. It only rings once before she answers.

“Sakura! Hi!”

I wince slightly at both the volume and the energy, maybe this was a mistake.

“Hey Yachi, would you want to meet up early, I finished with everything I needed to do.”

“Oh absolutely! Actually, would you want to come watch a practice match with me? Some of the players from our school are playing a few friendly games with friends who are in town for break.”

I think about it for a moment, because it would be a nice distraction, but then…

“Wait, is Bokuto there?” I ask. I haven't told her what happened yet but if this is anything like last time, she already knows.

“No, no, like I said, there are only a few from our school, a majority of them are from out of town.”

I sigh.

“Ok, I’ll see you in a few.” 

I hang up and collect my things before making my way to the school's gymnasium. 

_ *** _

I arrive almost 15 minutes later and find Yachi talking to Hinata as he gets a drink of water. The sounds of squeaking sneakers and volleyballs hitting the ground or being hit themselves fills the air. They must be between matches because everyone is up and moving and there are at least 10 volleyballs flying through the air. I make my way over to Yachi and when she sees me she freezes, eyes widening. I crinkle my brow in confusion.

“What's that face for?” I ask.

At this Hinata turns to see me and he visibly starts sweating as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Well I need to get back to the game.” he says, shooting Yachi an apologetic look before sprinting back to the court.

My attention is quickly drawn back to Yachi as she grabs my hands and clutches them close, forcing me to take a seat next to her on the bench.

“Please don’t hate me!” she begs.

“What? Why would I hate you?”

Yachi opens her mouth to answer but is interrupted by loud hollars coming from two courts over and one in particular has me freezing in my seat. Bokuto. I am beyond pissed and my face says as much as I stare daggers at her. She is quick to explain. 

“I swear he wasn’t here when you called!”

My expression softens, but I keep a sour look on my face.

“You know, while in this case it works in your favor, I really don’t like how you know things about our relationship before I tell you.”

Yachi looks down at her feet.

“I know, I know it’s not far to you at all, but if it makes it any better, I only know that there was tension when he dropped you off last night and nothing else. When you asked about him, I figured it was because you didn’t want to see him, and I wouldn’t have lied about that to get you here or to metal in your business.” she says, dropping my hands and ringing her own.

I sigh because now I need to comfort and reassure Yachi and I am already so low on energy. But I love her and I would hate for her to think I was mad at her when truly, she did nothing wrong.

“Yachi, I know. I trust you and even though you like to talk up the idea of our relationship, I know you would never do anything to manipulate me.”

I wrap her in a hug and though it’s for her sake, when she squeezes me back, some of the heaviness is lifted. As I pull away, the shadow of a genuine smile plays across my face. 

“I would like to get out of her before here sees me though. You know, avoid the inevitable awkwardness.”

We both let out a giggle, then she nods and we stand to leave.

_ *** _

In returning to my dorm that night, the light and airy feelings that managed to take over during my time with Yachi begin to fade. I really enjoyed the evening we spent together, and I hold desperately to those feelings through memory as I get ready for bed. The delicious food and conversation, catching up on everything that's been happening over our holiday break, laughing freely as we browse the shops along main street. But the memories aren’t enough to keep the darkness away, and I wonder, for the millionth time, what's wrong with me. As I lay there staring into the literal darkness of my room, silent tears start to roll down my face.

_ *** _

I kick at a clump of snow as I languidly make my way to my counseling appointment. I almost forgot about my appointment again, having not had the best grip on time these last few days. It’s the day before New Years Eve and I only know that because of the text reminder I got this morning about Bokuto’s party tomorrow. It was one of very few that have been exchanged this week and the drastic decrease has felt like a drought in comparison to the previous daily communication. In the last few days, time has both stood still and moved at the blink of an eye, and having been cooped up in my room for two whole days during a severe blizzard didn’t help my perception. Despite the abundance of time, I have gotten even less sleep than before, averaging 2 to 3 hours a night. After a day or two of experiencing a really low low, I managed to cut all lines to the heart, and now instead of the typical sharp pain and raging storm within, there is just a dull ache. 

When I arrive, I take my usual seat, not bothering to remove my coat or scarf. Kaito stays at her desk jotting something down on a sticky note before she joins me. She looks me up and down and raises her eyebrow slightly before starting.

“Hello, how are you doing today?” she asks.

I shrug my shoulders as I answer.

“I'm fine, a bit tired.”

Her brow dips even lower.

“Have you not been sleeping well?”

I nod and the lack of verbal response prompts Kaito to lean forward, her polite smile quickly disappearing.

“I know we just started meeting this fall, but I’m gathering that something is more off than usual.”

I sink back into the couch and look at the hands resting in my lap as I start to fiddle with my fingers.

“It’s been a weird few days.”

She sits back again, crossing her legs and readying her notebook.

“How so?”

I proceed to tell her about the movement of time, lack of sleep and lack of emotion that followed being overwhelmed by emotion. She listens patiently, asking questions here and there and when I’m finished, and after another minute of note taking, she sighs and looks up at me.

“Well, and I will preface this with, I provide a school’s counselling service and cannot technically diagnose anything, but this all sounds like dissociation.”

“What’s that?” I ask not looking up from my hands.

“It’s often a response to stress and trauma, and you have described these symptomes one or two at a time before, but never this many at once, which is why I’m naming it.”

I blink a few times but put forth no effort to respond.

“Have there been any drastic changes recently? I know you have been working on opening up to others and letting go of control, how are those things going?”

I think for a moment, though it’s pretty obvious what those impactful changes are. I let out a long sigh.

“I’ve been stuck in my dorm over the last few days, and my parents were supposed to visit and they had to cancel, so I haven't had a ton of contact with people recently.”

“What about your friend, Bokuto right?”

I shift in my seat uncomfortable with the feelings that try to bubble to the surface.

“Did something happen?”

“Yah, I was ready for more and he didn’t want to ‘move too fast’” I finish, using my fingers as air quotes.

“Well you need to respect him and his boundaries too, it can’t be a one way street.”

I can feel my face heat up in anger. She doesn’t know the whole situation and that's no fault of her own, but I’m struggling to keep from lashing out at her. I take a deep breath before I respond.

“I know, and it would be different if he hadn’t pushed certain things the way he did.”

“Would you mind explaining what you mean by that, I don’t think I’m following.”

I proceed to explain all of the things that left me as confused as she looks as I explain, and as I near the end, there's less confusion but more questioning in her face.

“- so that's why I don’t understand this desire not to ‘move too fast’ when we’ve gotten to the point of a relationship anyways.”

Kaito nods and hums as she thinks.

“Honestly Sakura, I don’t have much to say for that, it is quite contradictory.” 

I nod and there's a moment of silence. She’s about to say something else when I remember something from nearly four days ago.

“So, I wanted to ask you about other options for help with this stuff”

She tilts her head.

“Other counseling?” she asks. 

“No, like the mental illness and stuff. Is there a way to know for sure, like a test or something?”

Her bright smile returns and she stands, moving over to her desk.

“I had been hoping you would bring this up,” she starts, grabbing the sticky note she wrote on earlier.

“I can’t tell you what to do and I can’t make recommendations without being asked, but since you bring that up, here.”

She walks over and hands me the note. There's the name of some doctor and a phone number.

“If you want to go and see someone who would be able to prescribe you medication, I recommend calling them.”

I stare at the paper in my hand and a combination of hope and relief begin to fill me. 

_ *** _

I continue to think about my next steps as I walk back to my dorm, fighting hard against the voices inside my head. It’s exhausting and I am so tired of the constant battle going on inside my head, especially when I have no reason to be feeling this down. It feels like it’s for attention, even when nobody is around and I know that's not the true driving force. When I get back to the dorm, I pull out the small piece of paper and make the call right away, knowing I can’t keep fighting this on my own. I’ve been finding myself thinking more and more about what it would be like to just disappear. What would happen if I went to the middle of nowhere and just let go to wither away into nothingness. While I know logically it would be more than uncomfortable, the idea of it is peaceful and I think that's why my thoughts keep returning to it. Even with the counseling, which has helped a little, I find myself being pulled closer and closer to the line. One I will not be able to come back from if I cross it.


End file.
